You (9/30/13)

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I could have left when I was younger, before I ever began making trails with my shuffled and fumbled footprints.
I would have never hugged the ones I loved.
I would have never laughed with those I laughed with.
I would have never hugged, or laughed, or met... you. I would have never met you.
I would have never met you. I wouldn't have tried to be so outstanding with so many unfamiliar faces, I would have never met this short little, funny looking Mexican girl.
I wouldn't have given her music to listen to, or confidence to sing those songs she loved --
she would have never invited me over, I would have never gone to her house.
I would have never met you. We wouldn't have walked through the grays of Michigan to the low end gas station for some energy drink,
we wouldn'thave paid for it with our wrinkled dollar bills, and exchanged glances during brief conversation.
We would have never laughed together. Throwing marshmallows around a living room in a frenzied loving fury.
I wouldn't have ever smiled at you, but smile for a long time, not just any other smile; I would have never smiled the smile that made you smile back, before quickly blushing away. I would have never seen that small rosing around your cheeks, the contrasting twilight that was your eyes;
I would have never drowned in the depths of your beautiful blue eyes.
I would have never spoken to you, or even breathed your name, like the windwhisperingpoetry through the trees.
I would have never hugged you. I wouldn't have attached so many songs to the thought of you, even the sad ones.
I wouldn't have sent you that CD, with my secret message to you at the end.
You would have never heard my voice. You may have never even muttered my name.
I would have never told you I love you. I would have never held your hand in the back of your van, or held you in my arms, or kissed your shoulder.
I would have never smelled your perfume that every now and again I smell and I take a moment to imagine you here.
I would have never kissed you twice, no matter how awkward, I wouldn't have let our lips feel each others.
I would have never given you my jacket, or my gifts, or drawings, or writings, I would have never given you my love. I wouldn't have fallen into heartbreak.I wouldn't have let you go.
I wouldn't have fallen into depression. I wouldn't have known.
I would have never cried until my eyes were so dry I swear they bled.
I would have never forced the blood from my wrists, I would have never gazed down at the same gray Michigan snow from a swing set and screamed because I hoped you would hear me. I wouldn't stay up at night writing, looking through your pictures; looking at your smile, at your eyes.
I wouldn'tfantasizeof you laying next to me.
I would have never been so confused and scared when you have nothing to say.
I would have never become so dependent on you in my entire life. I have given you my love, I have heard you say you love me, I have hugged and kissed you, I have laughed with you.
I have died every night without you.
I could have left when I was younger -- but I would have never met you.
I would have never met you.

 

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