You ever think to yourself “I don’t care”
And actually mean it.
You then realize that you no longer look forward to anything.
You really just don’t care
Yet you need to continue to exist so you go to work
You pay your bills
You keep going to school
Even though your drive to do anything has been smothered to bits.
The happier you feel one day then is followed by an equal and opposite depression for at least twice the amount of time the happiness lasted.
Even if your lucky enough to keep it up for a week, a month, keep up on grades and relationships and extracurriculars and planning your future and dreaming and living…
…immediately following is the crash that lasts two weeks, two months..a year. Everything you accomplished goes down the drain.
People tell you how smart and capable you are the worst part is that you know it. You know you can do these things.
You know you have the ability but it keeps going away when you need it most and it’s still in sight, you know it’s there, you just.can’t.reach.it.
You’re scared to be happy because you know what follows it. You’re scared to love someone because you know you’ll either eventually push them away
they will get sick of your inability to stay the same person they fell for and they will shatter your heart into millions of pieces.
Then the only people who are willing to stay with you are the people who are just as damaged as you are and you don’t want damaged.
You want whole.
You want to be whole,
you want to be with someone whole.
You just want it to stop.
It’s not feeling suicidal, no that’s different. It’s just wanting to improve, but having an involuntary part of yourself punish you every time you get better. Every time you feel like everything is going to be all right again, this part of you slaps you in the face, kicks you over, picks up your dreams and smothers them to death, and you just feel numb.
But you want to do things, go places, see people, but you don’t know what things, places, or people because nothing sounds appealing in any way and it’s so frustrating.
How am I supposed to get anywhere in life like this?