comedy

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For Luc, because he wanted a poem about Bananas:     This poem about bananas  May seem like lots of fun  But I’d rather write a poem  About an apple, pear, or plum.   
The way I run my business is something my employees don't like.Just because I do them dirty sometimes, they go out on strike.They're on strike now because I cut out their coffee breaks.
Three Convenience store employees thought what they did was funny but I think it was cruel.Those Three people said that I won a thirty million dollar lottery and then yelled "April Fool".
You've designed a new electric car and it's being built on the assembly line.You've been pestering me to buy one but I never will, one of your cars will never be mine.You want me to buy one but I'm going to pass.
A man has kidnapped two people and is demanding 50 million for their safe return.But people have discovered who the two hostages are and they are not concerned.
I broke one of God's Commandments when I stole an extension cord.I was struck by a bolt of lightning because I angered The Lord.God is cracking down on those who break his Ten Commandments.
ED
When I titled this poem 'ED', it doesn't spell the name Ed.I have erectile dysfunction, I can't take my wife to bed.I don't get any action because of this limp thing of mine.
There once was a person who was old, Who stole a leprechaun's pot of gold, So the latter kicked him hard And he flew across a yard, And then there's a wind that's very cold.
Here comes a frog named Kermit the Frog, Who has his own online blog. He went to ponds and beyond. He and the pig have a bond. Piggy threw the frog hard to Prague.
There is a person named Leon, Who has not worked in an eon. He is on a standby While eating stir-fry. His eyes are freakin' neon!
I have a sad story that requires music that's played by a fiddle.I've been wounded and I'm spending Black Friday at the hospital.Gamestop announced that they were knocking 80 percent off of Playstation 4s.
Comedy doesn't discriminate, Nothing is taboo, From making fun of feminist, To Nazis baking Jews, And yet people still get offended. What's wrong with you?
A job, a hangout, but, most importantly a place to drink beer! In the winter we're slow and idle in the summer we're busy,  with inventory vital.   Throughout the time I've been around,
  I’ve always liked the idea of slam poetry; The passion that translates through the poets hands, As they excitedly emphasize each word with a new gesture.
they say curiosity killed the cat well let’s wait and see.   see the cat was wondering around looking for some food downtown he found a small shriveled mouse   but he wanted the food in the big house 
The Kaffeeklatch It's 9AM on a Monday. The Grey haired seniors gather at the same ol' coffee shop, wearing their varied camouflage, sports, and veterans hats.
Two twins named Chantelle with buckets and bells took to the road to scoop from the well   bending right over, Chantelle, who, quite sober, slipped off the end and tumbled and fell
The Weekend hits. Responsibilities are forgotten and people give less shits. Friday to the break of sun on the last day, we know nothing but how to play. But sometimes we play too hard 
Writer's block is a painful endeavor. So bad it makes me question my creativity and if a spark of it existed ever. If only there was a magic pill or convenient mushroom sitting around waiting to be consumed.
"Cream-faced loon", "fleshmonger", much more where that came from, William Shakespeare wrote many sick burns;   such as my personal favorite, with all its irrationality:
My good fellow, you are a fool. You shine as bright as th' sun Yet your head is as an empty cave. One can!     ~     ~     ~     yell in! Your!     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~     left!
I'm Popeye the Sailor, I'm sure not Popeye Doyle. Things went down hill when I married Olive Oyl. Bluto showed up at the wedding and started a fight. As usual, I ate my spinach and punched out his lights.
Late one night,   During finals week,   Matt decides   To get a bite to eat.   It’s two AM   Only shop in town
Toni went out to the snack line   To indulge as she did time after time.   But as she stood, waiting for a snack so fine,  
NO
My new Russian bride can only speak one english word and that word is no. If she doesn't start behaving like a wife, she will have to go. When I paid her way to America, I didn't know things would go sour.
To speak, or to hang up -- that is the question; Whether ‘tis safer to speak and unveil The voice behind that incessant sound Or to let it wait unanswered, ignored
Dear Donald Glover,
Dear Passat, Or should I say Piss Ant-   You left as fast as you came, but aged, as though every wheel rotation was the mark of a century. I wasn't the first to own you,
From dark tales of old and new. This person's story is as true. Of a woman short as can be.                                               She is an annoying little flea.
There are things we can control and some not Don’t obsess of these, it will not bode well Do not disagree, for wars have been fought It will capture presence like divine hell
Mary had an evil plan, evil plan,evil plan, Mary had an evil planBut she didn’t let it show.And everywhere that Mary wentMary went, Mary went, everywherethat Mary wentShe infected computer main-frames with an ingeniously engineered virus. Her teac
Once upon a - Ugh! You know how that goes: "A princess finds her true love," In one day...gross. No one ever stops to ponder The "antagonist" if you will. Our stories are stronger
Once Upon A Time, There was a woman Who had fallen in love with a lime. Outside of her village, There was a witch Who told the woman her lime will become a prince.
Once Upon A Time, There was a woman Who had fallen in love with a lime. Outside of her village, There was a witch Who told the woman her lime will become a prince.
Once upon a time, there was a teenaged girl on a vacation with her sister, mother, and father. After running out of data and battery, Alice's iPhone needed a charger.
Beauty and the Beast may be A tale as old as time, But when adding in apps like Tinder, we see How it fits the modern dating paradigm.   The prince spent his night Mindlessly swiping right
By Charlene Jones   He woke up groggy Unaware of his surroundings. Prince charming grew precautious His royal heart was pounding. Then the world came to focus. He remembered where he lied.
Maybe if I were fast enough I'd finally outrun the tortoise.   I've studied closely: patience is key, patience is key; and yet, he just doesn't understand that speed is what I'm built for.  
From whence are values to be found?  There maybe, the bloody carcass that has forgiven us !? Wait what? Forgiven us for what?  For being human… or else? I guess?
Once upon a time, there lived three dwarf brothers who lived in a city surrounded by a great stone wall they lived in safety, happy and carefree until they met an elf who had a great fall
Many Months Ago America Elected a President His Skin is Orange His Hair is Fur like a Dog Your Tie is long
It’s not you… It’s me… No, no, no-- It’s most certainly the other way around! Listen, sweetheart… I love you But you need to change, first.  
Each poem I write isn't good enough... So I wright this. words press against  the inside of my skull, Something set them off. I spray these pages with phrases like horse piss. Then I gain control.
In the darkness of night      His noodely apendage  Flies, to save us all. 
From the death of Harambe to dank Twitter memes This is my year in a nutshell of 2k16 I lost my boyfriend ten times last year Went to 9 parties and blacked out last year Graduated high school and won a poetry slam
Popeyes or Five guys? Either way, I'm getting my cajun fries. Feel free to attempt to stop me. For that is an impossibility. Have a nice day!
Right now I feel like life is in a pickle. I just ate my last pop sickle. That is right, I don't have a single Otter Pop left to my name. Nobody will understand my pain. I cannot settle my craving with an ice cube.
The ugly duckling named vitor wanted to shoot up his ducling school because he had  no friends and he hacked peoples computers to make them shut down so he wanted to \
Bleach-white with innocence, his little genie tries to convince him:It's about what inside; stop listening to that scarlet-clad midgetBut to his surprise, for once they are agreeing: It is all about what's inside
Our love is like math It's always complicated I swear, algebraic expressions was created just for us You're always searching for your X leaving me questioning Y? We use to be equivalent fractions
My sister, alex and I  -- at Ramen Tatsu-ya-- Waited in line struggling Japanese on the menu Miso this, miso hot
On a deserted island the one thing that I’d bring? With this answer I’m not hesitant, I want to bring with me, Some of the dead U.S. presidents.   Give me money. Give it to me more than I can count.
You can not tell me I'm short, I'm just lacking in inches. It's rude to ask me if I showered, rather ask me what that stench is.
In September, I walked into a supermarket Fairly nondescript, Looking for some kind of Back-to-School kit.   The banner hangs limp, languid, A lame flag lolling on lengths of lemon tinted line,
Angry villagers put the Munsters to death.I adopted their pet that has a fiery breath.He is a monster and his name is Spot.I thought I would like him but I do not.It was a mistake when I got him from the pound.
Today, Socrates rolled over in his grave.  
I was with a couple friends of friends one day
You won't even begin to understand how I feel about you! Why can't you look my way? Maybe even say hey? Can you just speak for a day? Could you please be potential bae?
T'was the night before school, when all through houses
I reach the bottom floor and turn west, toward home. If I hurry, I’ll make it back before the kids, and Karrin’s lethal words can question the hickeys, burning like Red Stars.   
My Cousin scared the hell out of me when he bought a space shuttle.When he blasted off, I wet my pants and was standing in my pee puddle.A con man sold him some property on the Moon.
Something happened when I lit a cigarette in an oxygen tent.I'll tell you what happened instead of just giving you a hint.That oxygen tent went up in flames and I got burned all over.
OLD COTTON MOUTHBY MIRA WILDEROld cotton mouth cannot speak his lips are stuckto his gums and teethbeen smoking weed,since he was sixteengoing on 60 it's the same routine
Some people say she was crazy, they think that she was out of her mind.She paid the price when she decided to use a power line for a clothes line.She thought that the electric current would dry the clothes faster.
Plank the desk says.. Well he says nothing   Cause I’m looking at him and covering his face the whole time Papers, a notebook, and pencils lay over wooden lips In a cubicle called class
This poem is new
A thug was set free even though he committed a crime.The reason why he was set free was because I'm a Mime.I was on the witness stand but because I'm a Mime, I wouldn't talk.
To Jon Stewart. Your hair has gone silver in recent years, currents of slick metal gracing backwards like a river, hinting to the yamaka you are known to wear at times
People are laughing but I don't think it's funny.A dirty rotten crook stole my stolen money.I was very happy because I successfully pulled a bank job.But then that man pulled his gun on me and I was robbed.
I'm a Gungan from the planet Naboo and my name is Jar Jar Binks.Senator Padme put me in charge once even though I don't even have the ability to think.George Lucas brought me to life with a computer, I'm a product of CGI.
(This poem is based on the Star Wars movies.)I'm the Emperor and my face looks like a prune.I have dark circles around my eyes which also makes me look like a raccoon.
Jack Benny’s Comedic persona was to pinch pennies. Every week he would lead his merry band And Rochester would always get the upper hand.
Gold from straw. I've never been one with a lucky draw,but I turn my luck into a quick guffaw.   When a tragedy strikes it will be alright,for with my humor and wit, I can hold tight.  
Chunky, Munchy, Crunchy, Peanut Butter or Chocolate Chip, It can be Thick, Thin or Crumbly, Its what Everyone like to eat. It could be round or squared, Sometimes Big or sometimes small;
burned 4 Fingers by hitting  my Lamp instead of the snooze button dropped my phone on my cat, earning a huge scratch on my Arm
how could she do this to me why me why does she always do this to me
My next door neighbor is very stupid and a little strange.When I asked him if he had ever been abroad, he thought that I was insinuating that he had had a sex change.
Churning pudding pie of chocolate, I love you so much! How can I tell this pie that it was worth more than three dollars and fourteen cents? O! O! chocolate pudding, how I love you!
Walks up,coughs into the microphone,the audience shuts up,and I say:remember the 1990s?remember childhood?remember all of the TV shows that used to be on?
Can anyone hear me? No you can'tI'm confined in a bubbleGet ready for the rant   I want to writeI want to createI want to make people laughI know that's my fate  
I am your Father! OK! Where is the money? With my last honey...    
Boy
His hair arrayed in a muddy brown mess, With all of the elegance and finesse, Of a homeless man in a burlap dress.    His meticulous life well unkempt,
Comedy, comedy matters to me Some jokes I will tell Jokes designed to be funny   Money Saver A lass once asked me to show her the world I smiled and looked at this sweet, bold girl
Victor your so creepy and i think you might be gay you lie way too much and you never go away
    I have a story to tell, One unpleasant but well. A story of chivalry, I should tell on the way to Canterbury. As you know I follow a code of honor. Some of you may ponder,
I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my love of Shakespeare. He led me to the world of Macbeth and King Lear. He taught me to die for love in Romeo and Juliet. And live with no regret.
(This past summer I spent my time with a summer program "Writer's Block Ink" for my second year as a camp counselor and in the show we did, "The Slave Inside of Me", I was a condescending dean of a performing arts school who was entirely sick of t
In, out, in and out of my mouth. I know you're thinkin' dirty, but those are thoughts  you need to ditch, because the truth is I'm just  eating a juicy sandwich.
You're a wangstaa'; you're a straight-up foo'. The gangsta life's just not the life for you. Got your hat turned sideways, nod your head like a twitch. Act like you're so cool, but you're just a white b***h.
My name's Sam.Hope you got the telegram,cuz if you didn't Ima shoot you up like "Muthafucka blam!"Just kidding, Ma'am.That's not the kinda man I am.I'm actually Mexican, not Mediterraneanand I don't eat lamb.Don't even think about bringing upgreen
The Sky is blue,And full of poo,falling, spiralling, down,from white and brown-speckledcreatures They call seagulls. And the moral of this story is-Shit happens.
There once was a kid named Joe. He didn’t know where he could go Ms. Morgan made his life feel worthless, He had an existential crisis, When he found out his total displacement was zero.  
  A quick quip is the clever tongues whip. How violent is a laugh to demean or cut in half The weaponry of comedy is ssurely bloody scenery. A laugh always comes at a price.
Thou do not know the meaning of the word. Love, to feel affection for someone. Methinks we had this. I must be absurd.  I’m so mad. My temper is like a gun. Thee art just as stupid as that housewife!
The Alarm Clock Rings in your head Saying, “Please, go back to sleep,” While your memories Are still caught In yesterday.   A blank stare At The TV screen;
In the early evening, I come home from the park. And inside my house there are shadows in the dark!
I. Summer, the dramatic scene As the stars are blinking, fading in and out, the bright moon smiles, slowly rising in the navy blue sky.
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