self hate

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As a young girl I'd "see" That the little white girls around me Were what I should achieve to be   Straight hair, colored eyes And skin shades lighter than mine
I'm sorry for the things I did I'm sorry for the things I've yet to do I'm sorry for how I am I'm sorry for what I will be soon But most of all
The person I hate, someone I blame: myself. Devoid of meaning or direction. Moving in circles Blindly searching for the destination. I’m a bookshelf Without books. Incomplete. Lonely.
the mirror isnt my true friend  she wont reflect my fantasy land instead exposing the world in a aggressive manner where i cant unsee the ugly truth i cover my eyes to reside inside myself 
He knows what he's doing, Yet his love is just a game, False hope, it's just another thing i'm losing, And it slowly drives me insane.
To a Certain Skeletal Sickness     Dear Ana, you know your devastation on me.   When you take a physical part away, you also steal my soul  
You were my first love, At least that is what I thought. You messed up my life, Because now everything I do is related back to you.
I am a narcissist. I am a fool. I am a living paradox from which nothing escapes Unscathed. I am Apollo pining for love,
...Who knows what I would've put me through... Though these words are true and they seem to hurt to you, I must admit that there is always a bit of satisfaction that seems to seep through. 
They always told me no one would love me beause i was big.  I never said a word of disagrement because they were right. I watched as my friends threw up their meals saying, If you want to be pretty then don't eat
Smooth skin replaced by Broken bones;   Empty eyes seen within Melancholy mirrors.   Remorseful reflections gazing back at Spurning spirits;   Hindering hatred
A room made of darkness, Pitch black so I can't see. The haunting moan of loneliness, in the distance, it calls for me. What once was full of light and the occasional flicker of pain,
    Iliana Torres January 2017  
you reap what you sow  and i've sowed my sins  so i plow  through the ground  that happens to be skin  red furrows ready for planting  all neat and lined up straight 
the thing is… sometimes self harm isn’t about pain, it’s about things that last and things that dont.
It goes in one ear and out the other.  
I found that life gives you certain battles to fight Doesn’t give you a weapon to defend yourself but expects you to do alright Attacking you in the day, while terrifying you at night
Bare feet, dewy grass, pumping legs; wind whistling in my ears, whispering secrets I cannot catch. Loathsome dread as I stare at yet another photo of myself.
My hands are about as cold and dead as they can be without actually being dead.   My hair is about as long as can be without actually being long.   My thighs are about
My hands are about as cold and dead as they can be without actually being dead.   My hair is about as long as can be without actually being long.   My thighs are about
The reflection  wants me to die. The reflection wants me to starve. The Reflection wants to be loved. The Reflection wants to change. The reflection wants to be changed.
She came and went. as if it were easy for all of us to stand back and  watch.  Faster, slower, stop. the water continued dripping collecting cascading towards
Red Blood of friends lost to hate Passion for what she can create From the hurt of being too late At least that wasn’t her fate  
The numbness is growing, Or is it sadness instead, That will plague me until death. I feel so alone in this world Where my darkness descends. I feel forgotten  by my memories
I ask about love, And if I can ever find it. But how can I expect someone to love me, When I don't love myself? How can I expect respect, When I tear myself down? How can I expect anyone to trust me,
Let me tell you where I'm at Here at night supposedly alone, Listening to songs that make me feel whole. However there is Disappointment, Self hate and his sister Anxiety, All of them sleeping over.  
What is worse than breaking a promise, One you made to a friend? Breaking the one you made to yourself. I made myself a promise long ago, When the world seemed open That I would be okay.
Mirror mirror on the wall I can't look at you at all. The image of me distorted will be, And my mind from it shackles will not be free.   Mirror mirror on the wall You hasten my downfall.
I remember, you remember, we all remember, That September when my boy, when your boy, when all our boys, Joined that team with radiant faces, shining uniforms and innocent hearts
I've been left wordless, As my mind is tangled witth the problem. The letters float around, But no words come out. So my ipod I plug in, And my heart will live on,
silent breaking, day by day against my will, I run away afraid of those I used to trust one breath away from giving up   Hope seems but a vague memory
everything i dois always done better.and i understand--why you'd rather choose her. 
There are a few things you should know, About me and my life, And what I've learned to not show. You don't know what I feel, I keep it well hidden, But maybe I shouldn't,
Look to your surroundings. See the comparisons in store. Who does the most things? Who makes more?  Feeling ahead of the race, Only to walk into a slamming door. Why bother with the race?
"Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack."  
Little girl sits in her room terrified, “The monsters in my head won’t leave me be…” “Go away, go away,” she softly cried. “I can’t close my eyes ‘cause they’re all I see.”  
People mistake my sadness for poetry, But what they don’t realize is, It’s just my soul bursting from me. My mistakes, My heartaches, My life, My strife. I write them all out,
Across the scarlet horizon she stares, Her motivation gone, she no longer cares. Closer and closer to the edge she creeps, “He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want me,” is all she speaks.
Pronounced dead Is the one who can’t breathe But when around you I can’t. And I’m fully alive. My eyes can’t see Ears can’t hear. Heart can’t beat. Lungs can’t contract.
Your eyes used to shine with the stars, Like constellations in the night. Now they flicker with uncertainty, Dimness… Like a firefly slowly dying, Losing its spark.   What used to be, isn’t.
You’re a fragile spirit, afraid to leave the grave of which you were laid to rest. Metaphorically, of course… Flowers used to grow in your veins and now they’ve long withered away and died.
How much longer can I hold on? Hold on to this reality, The smiles that I place On my usually tiered face. Hold on to this image that you see A confident girl that is happy.
You hate you I love me I love you You love Me   You hurt you   You love me I love you
  There comes a time when your body forfeits the game and your heart reaches the limit of pain While your soul shrivels  up in shame.  
I hate myself
Seven years agois when I first got depressed Seven years agois when momma up and left Seven years laterI'm a walking denialpeers hold my trialas suicidal
I'm afraid to open up. To give someone the chance to hurt, My heart of glass, so easy to shatter, Because of all that I've seen, and heard Although it should not matter. I play my twisted game,
Today… I'm Smiling. I am happy because I'm surrounded by people who love me. Today… I'm strong.  I feel like I can actually make a difference in this world. Today… I feel accepted.
Gazing out, Into the deep rolling waves. As they roll and roll, Ever turning. On and on.  
His hazel eyes can only see so much But he has no clue, i live in this ditch Where there lies pain and disgust, tears and perhaps one day it will either break me or mend.
Thinking too much  creates bad thoughts.  The negativity in those thoughts  are from depression.  Discontent, sadness, anxious, hopeless  is what you feel.  You feel ignored, alone.  Isolated. 
When I feel the pain in my chest. When my throat is filled with hate. When my body wants all it's blood to flood out And my mind just fills me with negativity. The only one I can hold against me,
He calls me an "old soul" 
Laugh if you wantI wouldn't care if you knew me Hit me hardI deserve the hate and resentment Say mean thingsEven though not an ounce is true Break my heartIt is already broken beyond repair
It's such a plot tiwst, When you're your own worst antagonist.   It's not people who hurt you, It's late night thoughts you drew.   What happens when you're the biggest enemy?
I could pass an hour telling youwhat’s wrong with me, delving into every nook of my weaknesses, every cranny between my ribs. I could pass a day, if
As women and girls of our world today
I….Self…Harm… I cut…. I cut because it’s normal. I cut because it’s my relief. I cut because I’ve been doing it for so long.
I wanted to hold him I wanted to tell him it would be okay I wanted to hug him and tell him "breathe" I wanted to squeeze him and suffocate him until he remembered to breathe
A black guy once told me that I'm "not his type" "Nah," he said. "I don't fuck with them black girl types".  He  said he likes them Spanish types, them mixed chick types, them white girl types, them "exotic" types. 
He speaks so calmly  Quiet as a mouse he is He reminds me of my childhood fears So quiet, so distant, so beautiful  A creature of so much delight from afar I sit there and wonder why
I need bathe myself in the haunting echo of her presence. Let it be only I that stand beside her, shadowed by her illuminating spirit. Allow me to feast from the grounds which she hath passed.
I sit here alone.Sadder than my mind allows.Alone... With someone who hates me.That I can never seem to get rid of.Abused... By my own thoughts.That fold me into olbivion.
I admire your confidence I envy your cockiness I can only wish to be like you to be confident enough in my own looks I know I'm attractive somewhere but I don't see it I want to be confident I want to be....brave
That night rain made the skies look like wet parchment
Zero days without flashbac
So my question to you is, Why do you want a blood transfusion?   Is it because you deem  Being black a sin  That you are trying to dilute from within   
Dear Love
Darling Darling
  Photos of perfect people #Filter Photos of perfect bodies #Filter Photos of perfect models #Filter I do no think these photos embody the beauty of a sleepy smile, or the yawn of somebody you love
People talk about me and it used to bother me they said I was annoying they said I was loud and weird
Ich
I am closing walls and open doors, A memory painted on the windows of your soul In any color you like, as long as it is a shade of black.   I am discontinuous, a broken mirror
I just wanted to let you know that you are worth more than what I can show or tell or teach you.  If I tried, it would be like trying to encompass the sun in the description of a shadow. 
I wanted them to see me as art to stand in awe and marvel at the thought that such beauty existed but i am not a monet i am not a picasso and as they realized that
Everyone is different, I, just a little more than anyone else.     To me, I am lost insecure hopeless scared   To my family lacking imperfect perfect
Sucking in the scent through swollen red nostrils.
Feelings for him are always the same why does it have to be like this. 
HAHA No Filter Haha Pure face Haha Hidden disgust Haha Beautiful lies Haha Look at my face haha. .  my laugh is weird. .  haha. .  I'm just kinda queer
I sit up online Trying to forget my past The old memory of mine It breaks me fast
Mia whispers that I could be better. Ana shouts at me to pull it together. Mia says she wants what is best.
The city's ubiquitous form floods the room Room filled with the scent of molding tea leaves Leaves fluttering to the ground in dead clusters never again to bloom Again, she sits, and stares and waits.  
Admire what you see Mirror or none For which everything that you see Beauty is none What makes things beautiful Thoughts or emotions Either one is powerful But without people's creations
I don't think I'm flawlessI have never loved my bodyAnd I know I have a shitty personalityBut I do think I am flawless
I look to my left and observe my neighbor dropping tears I look to my right and observe my neighbor exerting fears She will cry and walk to him and extend a hand for help
A face, they see, a smile so wide A heart, they hear, beats strong inside. But they do not know, they cannot see, The troubles and darkness inside of me.   A girl, my age, lives so far away,
I don't understand.  somedays, smiling is easy.  and other days it's the hardest thing to do.  somedays, I can eat anything I want.  and other days I can't even look at food. 
I am sorry my love. And I'll say it a million times over. I'll show it, like an alcoholic man trying to prove that he is sober. And I'll make it known until we both are older. To keep our love from being over.
My hair The color too dark I would make it glow with blonde   My eyes A dullish brown I would make an ice colored kingdom   My nose To pointy and big
Her braid falls softly to one side Silently she listens, She’s always been good at that.   Arms crossed, Trying to thing, About a better tomorrow; A better today.
Twinkle twinkle world of mine How I hoped you knew what I felt As I walk this lonley path Tears roll down my horrid face While I cut with no regret
the poppies I walked along the trail I traveled frequently.  Why did all the poppies die? Is it because the sky did not cry for their sorrows and the grew bitter and dried up? 
All the shadows in my mind You push away and leave behind Every whisp'ring doubt and fear Fades to nothing when you're near   But then, every time we part These burdens bear back on my heart
Death is opportunity Life is the challenge.   Opportunity to relapse Challenge to stay above.   Opportunity to give up Challenge to remain on track.   I am a survivor.
Compliment me and I will smile. I will even thank you for your kindness. Though I do not see these good looks that you speak of, when I, myself, look in the mirror. I can barely stand to look.
Someday she’ll find I’ve left my head Sometime she’ll fine I won’t get out of bed I’m a pathetic Pretentious Waste of plastic I can’t take my face so I’ll bathe it in acid
No one knows I haven’t eaten in weeks; I try my best to act normal; Within this sickness, I have reached my peak; Just waiting for my turn to fall; Sometimes its not so easy to hide; And some begin to get suspicious; But I will continue to push al
I hate. I burned, and I raged, and I cried, and I sobbed. I wrecked myself. But still, I hate.
when we're in the mood when we're in this place when the temperature rises and our hearts start to race and in between heavy breathing accompanied by low moans
The echo in my ear of all the hurt and pain, from the time I was younger and more I had to gain. All that I kept inside and I can't seem to get out, it's like a stomach full of words I want to shout.
Your grimaces, painful half glimpses, Bring sorrow to every fragile piece of me. If I should shatter, I’d cut your skin. Make you remember you’re only human. You used to smile at me years ago,
He was just a little kid blonde hair, blue eyes playing in the back of the church like usual waiting for mom to say it’s time to go. He doesn’t notice the girl with her short shorts and blue shirt
No one really leads their life anymore. Everyone follows. Some follow genetically looking identical to a parent or sibling. We all follow emotionally everyone falls in love everyone hates
Every girl was born with a face of porcelain and heat of pedals. Anyone can see that is beautiful, without a male to announce it.
She spends five hours getting ready Knowing all her hard work is for naught For by the time she gets to her locker she will be tripped Into a reality that feels a nightmare The names she can handle
From across the room I see you staring, Disappointed and disgusted with me, The staring turns into hateful glaring, Because I am not so ordinary. I look at you and go look who’s talking,
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