0.4%

To my drunken high school peers,

They say .4% in the body can cause death.

.4%

so why did I find myself holding another bottle every night- tipping upward until my gaze met the stars and my throat clenched the burning sensation caused

by that .4%

why did I find myself searching for more when I know I have well surpassed the limit of the little girl I felt I was

why did I find myself aching for desire to not feel anymore

why did I find myself doing this at only 17.

but this was it

it was my night

my night to show myself I can let go

my night to prove to myself that I can be okay

my night to embrace the moments where I’m too drunk to lift my hand to wipe my tears

my night to not cry for once

.4% was not stopping me- no

.4% kept me alive

I didn’t let myself surpass death

but I let myself lick the rim of the bottles entrance reminding myself one last time of what my anecdote tastes like

I let myself feed into the common misconceptions of the effects alcohol has on me

I let myself pour the last drop on my tongue breathing in the final breath before my death

and when I died

I felt so much more alive

I felt like the alcohol was a key and I'm a pirate searching my whole life for that buried treasure that was under my nose this whole time

I felt like I traveled so far around the world that every step was closer to home- where I left the bottle in the beginning

the beginning

the place it all started

where I took my first breath

when I taught myself how to breathe air and not the alcohol

when I thought that alcohol impaired you instead of fixed you

when I believed that who I thought I was- was who I was always meant to be

I realize it now

I realize that I am not a little girl anymore

I realize that all the obstacles in my life could’ve been washed away by vodka and jello shots

I realize that I could’ve flooded my tears with rum so they wouldn’t be seen

I realize that whiskey could’ve stopped me from speaking all the times I spoke wrongly and it costed me

I realize- that no matter how many playdates I had with jack and jim there was no way I’d be that little girl again.

I’m only 17 and .4% killed me.

Sincerely,

The perception of your thoughts in the eyes of a teetotaler

You’re all better than this.