100% Stranger. 0% Dad.

“Are you still listening to that hip hop shit” is the first thing you say when you call me.

I try to bring up other topics on the phone while filtering my words and thoughts because you love to criticize.

Criticize everyone around you, but you’re perfect. You’re so perfect Dad. 

You listen to the “right” music.

You follow the “right” people.

You drink the “right” amount of drinks.

You do everything the “right way”.

Forced to fake a conversation with you every week. The one day of the week where I have to learn how to speak again. 

“Every word you say can and will be used against you." I learned to be silent around you

Silent while you picked apart my life and choices. But you could never pick apart yours.

I watched as my mom and sister buried their thoughts inside while tearing themselves apart because they would rather hurt themselves then be hurt by you.

I watched as all of your friendships and relationships fell apart. I watched you break everyone down.

I watched you project your problems and insecurities onto everyone else, while they listened. But you never listened. 

“Shut your mouth and listen.", something you you always said, but never practiced. 

Always teaching the importance of listening and acceptance but you never actually did those things. 

Hypocrite is what they call that.. but I’m a hypocrite for telling you that you have a drinking problem. 

I’m wrong because I drink too. It’s okay for you to drink because I can drink right?

I’m in my college years, and everyone around me is drinking.

Drinking with my friends starts to make me feel like I’m a bad person.

Maybe I’m just like him. I compare myself to you so much when I drink because I know I would lose it if I ever became you.

I watched as you drowned yourself in alcohol after work every night. 

I watched you become a monster. 

90% stranger. 10% dad. 

I started to detach you from being my father. How can you be my dad when our relationship is so fake? How can you be my dad when all you do is bring me down?

Sadist is what they call that.. but I’m the one who can’t open my eyes. 

You are a sadist. You manipulate everyone around you, you thrive on putting others down. 

I watched you scold the dog for doing nothing. 

I watched as you enjoyed it.

I watched one night as you held your fifth beer in your hand, yelling at the dog to go down the steps. 

She was young, and you kicked her down the steps. I watched as she whined over the next few weeks because she was in pain.

I watched as you enjoyed it. 

But you were always right, she just needed a push because she wasn’t listening to you.

We all needed that push, we were all wrong too. 

I watched as you talked shit on your friends, and your family. I watched you judge everyone. 

But you never judged yourself. After you lost your friends and family, you never pointed the finger at yourself. 

You chose to point it back at them. You couldn’t ever take accountability for your actions. 

That’s why I ended our relationship.

When will you wake up?

When will you listen? 

When will you realize that you are the blind one?

99% stranger. 1% dad.

I wait for you to get help, as you take another sip of alcohol. 

You chose alcohol over everyone else, 

Why did I think you would chose me when I left? .. you didn’t.

Weird to think I only missed you after 6 months of not talking. I miss having a dad. 

I know you’re still alive, but our conversations made me feel dead. 

I won’t allow you to make me feel dead anymore. 

I will never allow anyone to make me feel the way you made me feel. 

I hope you’re enjoying your beers. I hope it was worth it.