1.14.22

How do I say that I do not 

want to kiss you because I 

am afraid of fireworks? That 

sparks and embers and loud 

noises make my heart stop? 

Regardless of the situation, 

cardiac arrest will usually be 

fatal. 

If I pretend to hate you well 

enough, if I drown all of the 

butterflies in my stomach 

with bile and acid, maybe I 

will convince the world to let 

me keep you. 

I do not want this love to be 

real, because if this love is 

real, that means I have 

something to lose. I do not 

want to lose you. I am tired 

of losing everything I want to 

hold- every one of those things 

haunts me. You will haunt me. 

I may be your haunted house 

but I do not want you to be my 

ghost. 

How do I explain to my 

therapist that I need them to 

do an exorcism, to banish these 

feelings from within me? Just 

like Lucifer, this love is beautiful. 

But it wants power I can not give 

it- it wants to be higher than I 

can place it. A heart full of sin 

is still a full heart. 

I thought I would rather be 

empty. I am not sure anymore.