12th email today

To my baby brother,

Bonri, I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry that I'm such a horrible brother. 

I'm sorry that I betrayed you in this already cold world

but, 

believe me, 

I don't want to hurt you again. 

I'll never do it again.

I couldn't do it. 

When you looked up at me with those big teary eyes,

I could've died.

I should have died. 

I wanted to die. 

When you came home from school

You told me you were being picked on,

before you could even finish,

I was ready to kill everyone.

I wasn't going to let some school punk pick at you. 

I kept thinking of ways 

horrible ways 

to kill whoever hurt you.

I could stab him. 

I could shoot him. 

I could break him. 

I could burn him. 

I could even drown him in a toilet for being a piece of crap, 

but you

my only source of light in my world

tried to stop me. 

Your light was soft and gentle

and you grabbed my shirt with your little hand,

You used that little voice of yours

You tried to talk me out of it, 

but I was too far gone.

I'm so sorry, Bonri.

I'm sorry I didn't stop myself. 

I'm sorry I didn't protect you. 

Your glasses broke

you hit the ground. 

I can still see the blood on your uniform

and your nervous stutter,

the voice you never use with me,

cracked.

I don't deserve to be your brother.

You flinch when I try to hug you

You flinch when I try to help you up. 

I prayed for God to kill me. 

Death would be the best punishment.

equal to what I did to you. 

Please forgive me, Bonri.

I still remember,

you know, 

all the fun stuff we would do back then. 

I remember how awed you would look

baking with me

and when our cakes would come out

looking like garbage, 

I remember how we would laugh

and throw it at each other. 

Every Friday, the kitchen would be a mess

Makes me laugh even now. 

I remember those weekends where I would take you to the park,

using all that week’s saving to get us there on the bus,

but we were always too lazy to play. 

I remember how we would just curl up 

under that big tree by the swings

and how we would just sleep until the last bus.

I remember coloring with you when we were still small,

I remember how you would color with those big crayons.

You would make masterpieces.

I remember how I had a professional art set.

I remember how I barely made stick figures. 

I even remember meeting you, Bonri. 

Mom sat me down and put you on my lap. 

You were so small. 

So precious. 

So delicate. 

I cried,

saying I might break you. 

That was the day I swore I would always be there;

that I would always protect you

no matter what

But then I had to break that promise myself.

I'm sorry that I slapped you, Bonri. 

I was trying to push you back in the house. 

I was trying to spare you the trouble

of trying to stop me -

trying to save you the sight

of a kid's body 

being dragged from the back of my car.

But I never meant to hit you. 

You're my little brother

my only brother, 

my only sibling; 

I've never dreamed of ever hitting you 

and it's even worse since you're so small.

You hit your cheek on the wall 

and when you spit out your tooth, 

I nearly lost my mind.

Little brother, I'm sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I'm truly sorry. 

Don't be mad. 

Please don't hate me. 

Please talk to me.

I promise to be a better brother. 

Let me-

I mean, 

if you want - 

let me make a new promise. 

I swear to protect you

and help you

and go back to normal. 

I swear I'll never hit you again

unless we're playing. 

I swear it to you.

Bonri.

Please forgive me.

Your big brother, 

James