to a 13 year old

Dear Hannah,

Yes it’s hard. I know that.

Life is hard for you now

(and for me now too).

But if you can just block it out, maybe things will get better.

I can’t promise anything,

but wishful thinking has always been your favorite form of thinking.

The hard stuff can disappear if you make it. I know because I’ve made it five years further than you in life.

You can at least make it five years, I swear.

I know it seems like the world will end any day now,

or at least your world will.

You stopped eating a healthy amount a year ago and neither mom or dad have noticed.

This doesn’t mean they hate you.

Maybe you’re just a good liar.

I know, I know,

you’ve always sucked at lying.

Give mom credit though, taking care of four kids on a teachers salary is hard

and she’s doing the best she can.

She’ll pay even less attention to you when you go to college because money will get even tighter.

Sorry to break it to you.

It’s not all bad though,

she is doing all that she can to protect you from the world of adulthood as long as she can.

Go ahead and hate dad back if you want, he’ll never notice.

Just like he doesn’t see that you’re starving yourself,

he doesn’t see how much his wife makes you want to die.

He only cares about himself ever since he married her.

You can hope that he’ll get better,

but it’s more likely that it will get worse.

Do everything you can to stay away from his house for now:

when you go to college, you’ll have to spend half of all of your breaks at his house.

I’ve learned that he’s not actually a bad person in and of himself.

He did marry a bad person and bends to her every will,

though.

He no longer parents you;

it’s just her.

So, maybe don’t blame dad for not noticing your rapidly declining weight.

Blame her for thinking that you look pretty now that you’re skinny,

except not skinny enough to wear bikinis on vacation.

Unless she thinks you’re harming yourself, dad will never have to notice.

But losing weight is you making an effort to be healthy,

in her eyes at least.

Even when you go on vacation with them for an entire week,

they won’t notice the fact that you never eat unless they’re sober.

Plot twist,

dad’s never sober anymore.

Don’t worry, no one ever notices a starting child until you can see their bones.

You’ll never go to the doctor about it or have to admit how much you hate yourself.

Hopefully we can both learn to actually like ourselves in the end.

Sorry for not being helpful with this letter,

but sometimes—

most times—it helps to have someone rationalize your thoughts.

I know you haven’t met me, but I know everything you’re thinking.

I am you, just five years ahead.

It hasn’t gotten better,

but it hasn’t gotten worse either.

The important part is you will find your way out of suburban misery, so life has at least changed.

Accept the situation and keep moving.

I believe in you, since no one else ever says that they do.

You can make it through the next five shitty years, I promise that.

Wish me luck on my next five.

Sincerely,

Me.