18

I’m now 18,

Seeing things a certain way, 

I have lived two lives, 

And this is what I have to say. 

At 13 , puberty never hit 

Food was my friend and that was it.

I lived my life eating away, never thinking about the repercussions I would have to pay. 

Down two years, still hasn’t hit. My friends treated me like a puppet.

Anna do that , anna do this l, look at anna she’s not worth it. 

15 was the worst. It all hit , I was now a giant with emotions and shit.

I would walk in a room and people would stare, my anxiety got the best of me it wasn’t fair.

Why did people not like me ? Why did no one try. I thought it was because I was fat but was that even a lie.

I could lose my phone for months on end, it’s not like I would be missing out. I had no calls or texts to send .

Then one day it changed. The way I went about it was not the best. The restricted calories and the never ending runs seemed to have the most effect. Within six months people could notice and that was where my new life was promoted. 

‘Omg you have lost so much weight, you look so well’ thank you I was hoping you could tell. 

Months went on and many things changed, I seemed to have a social life which was not as i imagined. Boys popped up and photos were liked, was this it? Was this the life?  Validation is what I was looking for , even now, like I did before.  Validation doesn’t exist. It just holds society’s standards and brief happiness. 

If I did it again would you call me insane, would u look at my weight loss in the same way. You see I would use the same techniques which u praised before, so why wouldn’t u proceed to want more. Would you not say ‘anna you have lost so much weight you look so well” or would that change too ‘anna you have lost so much weight ,  who can you tell? ‘

You see this is my question. Why did u say that before ? Why did you praise me? Why did you do that for? 

You gave me brief validation. My tactics were dangerous and not healthy yet you saw past that to let me fit in with society’s perfect selfies.  

Now I’m 18 and have experienced two different lives. 

I can see now how looks changes perspectives and causes lies.