19 years.

I guess they say you’re not supposed to start thinking about righting memoirs when you’re 19.
But why would I have reason to wait?

It’s not like nothing has happened,
Like I’ve spent 19 years sitting on my ass atop rainbows counting unicorns.
It’s not like I’ve never seen or heard or felt or believed or dreamed or experienced 
Things that have hurt me,
Things that have created a story worth telling.

I have seen more perverse violence
in #hashtagged, segmented, three to thirteen minute clips
sorted out and subdivided, geared at perverse, middle aged men
in a world that I was propelled into, reeled into, found myself in the middle of,
…my eyes have seen far too many disgusting things for their 19 years.

I have heard more unkind voices
screaming and swearing about the futility of my breath
repeating over and over the shame that I’ve caused myself and my family
like a stereo speaker on repeat playing every moment I’ve ever faltered 
…my ears have heard far too many unkind things for their 19 years.

I have felt more pain
with razor blades dragged across already scared skin
creating deep caverns of sliced tissue, destroyed what will never be smooth again
experienced skin blistering from self-inflicted extreme hot and bitter cold
…my body has felt far too much debilitating pain for it’s 19 years.

I have believed more lies
seamlessly crafted ones drawing together every flaw and failure
resounding beliefs of ‘you’re not good enough’ and ‘you’re the disappointment’
‘you’re a failure’ ‘you’re just a burden, a bundle of damaged goods that no one will ever love’
…my heart has believed far too many lies for it’s 19 years.

I have experienced more
More of everything. More than anyone ever should have to. Violence, swearing, pain, and lies. 
More shit and secrets, more heavy heartache and hopeless hours, guilt and gut wrenches,
Created for me an old soul with broken dreams in my wake, all trapped in a body covered in scars.
…more, much more, on my heavy heart, burned into my menagerie of a memory,
carried in my soul.