2 am Thoughts

Dear future me,

Here are my 2 am thoughts on 1/16/2018

I’m sure by now you have experienced growth

Spiritually,

Mentally,

And Physically

And Matured.

As for now, I pray you reflect on these thoughts that were once your own.

I’m so comfortable

In my independence

Being by myself

Makes me happy

Sometimes I’m lonely

But when someone gives me attention

I turn them away

When I go out

I think I send the guy mixed signals

It’s green on the outside but the inside is red

Or maybe yellow in my uncertainty

Of giving in and allowing myself to fall.

Vulnerability is hard.

The night doesn’t do terribly.

Cracking joes and looking at the city.

The buildings make me feel small.

I’m reminded that the world revolves not around me

And the song that’s playing on the radio

It’s a familiar song.

The melody reminds me of the summer

When life was easier

The world was less cold

And I had just gotten my paint brush wet

Didn’t know what I was going to paint

But didn’t worry so much about paint

Getting on my clothes

Or making Life

Messy.

Grace upon grace

I hear in my ears and in my head and in my heart.

When I get lost

I’m always brought back home.

Home,

I’m brought back to my childhood.

I hear my mom reading me a story

About a little boy growing up

And all I yearn for is to be older

Little did I know life when your little is much more fun.

I see my dad coming home from work.

My brothers and I greeting him at the door

I can smell dinner in the oven

And get excited for a home cooked meal.

Family dinners, sports games, church, love, support, grace.

My childhood made me

Me.

And I’m forever grateful.

I dream every night.

I always remember in the morning.

The dreams are always about an encounter with someone I know

Not someone I know well.

But still,

Someone I know.

It usually involves adventure or fear

I don’t know.

But those ten seconds in the morning when I remember the dream

Vividly

Are so incredible.

Some days I wake up with confidence written on my sleeve.

Makeup looks not terrible.

I’m wearing my favorite jeans

With holes.

Fits tight but still lets my legs breathe.

And a good hair day.

Hair down not up because when it’s up my forehead looks very large.

Blonde curls

Or waves

Or maybe somewhere in between

When people tell me they like my eyes

It’s my favorite compliment

Because God gave me my blue eyes

No maintenance involved

The color of my eyes are truly His work

The greatest artist of them all.

And some days all I see are my flaws

I change my clothes sixteen times and still don’t like what I have on

I love my clothes but those days I can’t make up my mind

Do I want to dress cute or comfortable or in between

Red or black or blue of green

I can’t make up my mind.

I realize I’m running out of time

So I throw on my old sweatshirt and say that it will do.

I pull my hair back

Throw on some foundation

I paint my face but not so much that it hides me

Because although I try to make myself look better

I don’t want to look like anyone but myself.

These days with my hair pulled back

And the familiar sweatshirt that nobody knows took me

Thirty

Minutes to decide on

I feel so insecure.

The guy in my chem class that I usually try to position myself close to

I avoid.

I remember my mistakes on these days

All the friendships I lost and the people I’ve hurt.

I remember the things I don’t like about myself

The obsessive compulsions

And

The stress

The stress that floods my mind some days.

But then the day is over.

I go to bed and hear my favorite sound in the world.

Rain drops

Falling

On the roof of my attic bedroom.

Thank you, Mom and Dad, for giving me this room.

When the thunder is loud and so is the rain

It makes me happy,

Not sad.

Because the Lord knows I’ve had a hard day.

And the rain He has chosen for those days gives me peace when I sleep.

Your 18-year-old self,

Nicole