20 Doll Hairs

I live in shame that I sold myself for 20 doll hairs at 6 years old to a teenager cloaked in indignity.

That young girl chose the lesson that her safety comfort and love were up for sale; with my worth set to the mercy of men’s comfort.

17 years later and I tiptoe out of a large house in tears.

The bed of an almost love grow cold knowing that would never change to more.

My inner voice said try to change their mind you are so much more than great sex,

The louder voice said “you are only good enough for a short time. no one wants you full time.” Too much and Never enough

Maybe for once this will work, I lie

Please.don’t.stop moans out of me

I am shiny as you tell me you want me. that drug that keeps me elevated

I will take the 30 minute high. Knowing for now I won’t feel so broken

I put on the mask of confidence as I take control, my favorite place to hide is as someone in charge

I cry as I came because this was all I would ever deserve, a hidden secret in a fraternity bedroom

The never-ending regret of sleeping with someone who made it known they don’t want you but still I came back.

I sold my innocence for 20 doll hairs what is one more mistake going to take from me?

Etana Lynn