2:30 am Heartbreak

My bones are led

Weighing me down

Onto this bed

That isn’t swallowing me

Fast enough

And in my head

Too many things

Too many thoughts

Are pouring in

Desperate to be heard

Desperate to be understood

So my mind writes

It writes this poem

To make sense of 

My metallic, weighing bones

And this growing feeling

In my chest 

That is discomforting

That’s terrifying

Because this feeling is new

This feeling is different

And sometimes

I’m wondering if I’m feeling

You

Feeling your sadness

Feeling your breaking

Feeling your sickness

Because my soul

It starts feeling dizzy

It starts feeling nauseous 

And if possible

I feel it collapse

On the floor of my ribs

Above my stomach

And vomits

Vomits the sickness

Vomits the blackness

That runs through your veins

And into your heart

Mind and soul

The sickness

That is scaring me

 

But maybe

It is my own

My own virus

That snuck in

While I allowed myself

To be vulnerable

When I dropped

My fucking guard

And allowed myself

To foolishness hope

For a chance to grow

Into some

Beautiful oak

Or some other fucking tree

That will make this sound

Like real poetry

Poetry

Poetry

Fucking poetry

I connect it to you

I connect those thoughts to you

And I’m laying here

Trying to move on

Trying to grant myself

Something nice

Something easy

Something not so

Complicated

Someone who is sweet

Someone who smiles

Someone who compliments

Someone who is interested

But they speak poetry

In different ways than you

But still there is an echo

Of you in the back of my head

That I can hear your voice

In theirs as their words flow

And I’m cursing myself

Down to my bones

Because I am death

I am death of love

I am the princess of lust

I am addicted to moving on

Addicted to being new

Addicted to trying to 

Get over whoever

My heart is stuck on

And the poor soul

Fuck

The poor victim

That listens to my song

The siren I told you I was

Outside of the boat

We sat in

This siren sang

And I’ll tell you honey

I made a catch

But I’m singing

And my voice will crack

And I’ll shake it off

With a smile and a mask

And in my head

That little voice comments

How you would’ve noticed

My furrowed eyebrows

You would read me in a second

Faster than they do

That all of a sudden

In this sailor

I’m looking for you 

And I fucking hate myself

For doing that

Because I’m trying

I’m trying so hard

To convince myself

To remind myself

That if I mattered

In some fashion or another

That maybe, just maybe

I wouldn’t have

To work so hard

To get your attention

Because I used to feed

On your affection

I started to 

Thrive

Because of you

Because of the person

I wanted to become 

And I don’t want to be 

Dependent

Because now

I don’t even get

An explanation

For your cancelation

When I know

If your feelings were true

You would’ve said

“I’m sorry,

I can’t 

I’m too exhausted

To pull through”

And I would’ve understood

But instead

I’m hearing more and more

Silence

And I’m screaming

Into the abyss 

That is you

With my mouth taped shut

As tears scratch my cheeks

Because you don’t deserve

Another single word

And I thought I would be better

Today

That today was progress

And maybe it is

Because this pain

It’ll motivate me

To rip away

Anything

That is 

You

 

I started looking at

Our pictures

And a thought fluttered

Of being rid of them

Being rid

Of you

This poem is about: 
Me

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