300 Pounds of Vulnerabilitty and Anger

My body is a hassle.

No, no.

My body is a burden. All my body has provided me is a street side view of a never ending parade of ridicule and harassment.

I was only a child of 8 when I first witnessed this parade. “Don’t you think she’s a bit too big for this ride? We wouldn’t want her breaking it and ruining it for the other children.

Streamers of stretchmarks slip from the sky, scouring my thoughts with negatives words.

These blemishes are accompanied by countless others.

Pimples on my face, thighs, and occasionally stomach due to an oily complexion or awkward rubbing of the skin. Eczema on my arms and elbows, causing my skin to feel like an alligator's tail. Rolls cascading down my stomach and even back. Calves that seem to skip right over an ankle and form straight into a foot. Stubby fingers, that if I’m not careful, could be mistaken for small sausages when placed near a hungry dog.

The list goes on,

and on,

and on,

and on,

and...

People push body positivity on me like it will all of a sudden somehow fix everything. It’s not like I can change a mindset that has literally been there for at least 16 years. Meanwhile I’m busy screaming out to the mindless crowd,

“Why the hell would I try to force someone else to love… this… if I can’t even look at myself naked without wanting to cry?”

I try, trust me I try.

I try to see the beauty, and all that crap,

but it’s like I’m looking at a funhouse mirror.

Except that it won’t disappear when I find my way out of the motley colored maze.

When I close my eyes, it’s still there.

...no matter how much I work out…

...or how little I eat.

It must have attachment issues, because

IT WON’T LEAVE.

Imagine it as a cold or flu. You have it for a few days, and it’s absolute hell. But then it starts lightening up, and all of a sudden you can breathe out of your left nostril and no longer have to sleep slumped over a bowl used to catch the vomit. Imagine feeling almost 100% better, but then...

IT COMES BACK, AND IT’S WORSE THAN EVER

See, you thought you could get away. But you can’t.

Oh well,

I’ve made a big decision.

A final act of retaliation.

I’m going to get a band around my stomach.

A blocking band built to beat the beast within my body.

It will help me overcome it, and it’s counterpart;

My Brain.

This magical ring will wrap around the top of my stomach, basically forming a much smaller, easier-to-fill stomach. If I’m anything like these other success stories, I’ll lose about 50 pounds in just one month.

The thought of me being skinny… It just brings tears to my eyes. I can’t even begin to tell you how much better my life will be. I’ll finally be able to find someone who can love me, and not have the 300 some pounds of fat to wade through. I will be comfortable in not only my own skin, but airplane seats, rollercoasters, vehicles in general, school desks, theater seats,  and once again, the list is endless.

I WILL win.

I WILL eventually be worthy of love.

Not yet,

                                but soon.

I hope...