3am

I’m shaking in this empty, tired room, Stuck between the sun and the tomb. I’m so sick of this back-and-forth game, Building a life just to feed the flame. I wash the dishes, I write in the book, Trying so hard to change how I look. Then I hate my face and I hate my head, And wish I could just stay rotting in bed. It’s a lie. It’s all a stupid, loud lie. I want to get better, then I want to die. I buy all these things to fix what is broke, But my soul is just black and heavy with smoke. I’m angry at how much I keep moving back, Watching my progress go into the black. Am I growing up? Or just acting a part? While everything breaks inside of my heart. I’m exhausted from fighting. I’m tired of the war. I don't even know what I’m doing this for. I’m sad and I’m mad and I’m losing my way, And I dread who I’ll be at the start of the day The house is cold, the room is black, The old mistakes come crawling back. I stare at the wall, I can't escape— My brain at 3am is a dangerous place. I’m so angry that I’m still the same, I whisper my own cursed name. I try so hard, but I’m never right, I’m just a mess in the middle of the night. It hurts to think, it hurts to be, I’m sick of being stuck with me. I look for a win I can never find, Lost in the knots inside my mind. I’m just not enough. I never was. I hate myself just because. No way out of this lonely chase— My brain at 3am is a dangerous place.