49

i am made of stone
don’t touch me
i am a clay sculpture
please touch me
remind me who
i am
where
i am
i am i am i am
i think

i am so far above you
and so far below
lesser yet greater
not so happy
yet much happier -

i am a storm
flickering lights and
rain on the window
i’m not the cuteness, the dainti-
ness
i am the baby drowned and
the cars swept into the sea
i am the houses destroyed and
the tears

i am so much water

there is enough of me just
not in the right places

i am sickened
disgusted and repelled
by you
but can i
be your girlfriend

no one ever
does what i think they will
no one ever says yes

or no

i am a virgin
i am a slut
i am a stud
i am a prude
spot the difference

i am incessant background music
a soundtrack stuck on repeat

i am the music getting louder, coming back

i am the train crash
the shipwreck

i am cpr
that didn’t work

i’m so very alive
burning and crushing and
flickering

my candle burns at both ends
and so does your house

i am so alone
i am so lonely
spot the difference

it's so cold here but
i am so warm now that
my head is
smashed open

pinata
look at my brain

it’s black and filled with you
where did you get those
bright blue
devil
eyes

they’re all i can see at night

i am a blown fuse and
a bad singer

and
i don’t know where i’m going with words on paper
so how am i supposed to figure out
life

it begins
and ends

i’ve been dead for millions of years
and alive for fourteen

but still i can’t
begin to fathom the former
or bear to let go of
the latter

i’m insignificant

i’m not

i’m going to do the most amazing thing
in the world
god, you’ll know my name
and it won’t be a dirty word
spat around like
chewing gum

just you wait
till i stand up and
speak

it seems so ordinary
but that makes it
even better because
your jaw will break when
i say it

i have been a million people
and lived a million lives
a million deaths, weddings, grandchildren, books

i don’t remember any of it
just like thursday night

some people can’t
spot the difference

i am powerful
enchanted
empowered
i am going to smash your face in
i’m going to save you, i swear

as soon as i find out how
when, where, why and
i think there’s another word

one last word
my last word

my first word was dad

my last word is

who.