5 Things to Keep Me Getting Out of Bed

1 - Years of my life are missing. 

I can only seem to remember the coffee cups collecting next to my bed. 

The way my alarm made me cry.  

How hard it was to pry my lead body out of bed.

And how badly I needed

To become small enough to just fade away. 

2 - There are parts of depression that are less pretty. 

How I couldn’t get myself into the shower for weeks. 

And then I couldn’t get out for hours. 

The dehydration migraines from crying. 

How everyone is always just a little disappointed in you. 

3 - The first medication I ever took, 

Made me sleep for three days straight. 

I didn’t laugh or cry or feel anything for 72 hours. 

I had doctors laugh at me and dismiss me and ignore me. 

And this is how I learned that asking for help is not enough. 

You have to keep trying.

You can’t halfway want to recover. 

You have to want it with every cell in your body, 

Or it will be too hard. 

4 - I was a month into being okay

When  I noticed that if you stand still in the city 

On a sunny day, 

You can feel the sunshine in your heart. 

4 - This living shit is hard sometimes. 

But last week I found a wallet I lost five months ago. 

I spilled coffee on a pretty girl at work, 

And she gave me her number. 

4 - My body is light enough to pull out of bed now. 

I take medication every morning, 

But there are no coffee cups in my bedroom. 

And I shower every day and 

I drink water. 

And 

5 - Wanting to live is such a funny thing. 

Lately, 

I am so alive it hurts. 

And I want it that way. 

This living shit isn’t easy, 

But: 

There are perfect things in life. 

Like water at 3 am. 

Having exact change at a coffee shop. 

A really good kiss. 

These are feelings I want to live in.

Lately, even the bad things feel good. 

When fear and anger bury their nails into my heart,

I am reminded of how much in life there is to feel. 

And I want to feel all of it, 

All at once, 

Until it kills me.

I want to be so alive, it's a threat.