7/28/97

and sometimes on our birthday- the only thing we'll ever share

I open my baby book and defend you against my own negative thoughts

look at him, just look, he's holding me, and he's smiling.

no way he left and dissapeared for no good reason

but I'll never know because I dont know him and he doesn't know me

atleast not how I wish we knew each other

all we know is that he is sorry for leaving and he's my father

and I'm sorry he left too and I'm his daughter.

but those are two words that come with much more than just the name

do you know what I mean

I was six years old, six years old

what could I have done to make you run away

without even looking back

and now I am scared and scarred

and hiding behind walls that are 100 feet thick

and made of steel, because nobody's love for me could ever be real

atleast not real enough to never leave me behind

and I get that and I have learned to be okay with it

not really

I recant love and recant boys

but not out of hate only out of fear

I am protecting myself from being abandoned

because I am the only person that I want to take after my father

what if I love again and I get left

If my own father did not love me enough to stay

I know it must have been my fault, and that no other man would be able to proove me wrong

I am okay with that

no I'm not

My own self image is distorted all because you turned your back on your little girl

and now ten long years later

I'm still that little girl

up against the world

trapped in a fear of being left behind

and do you know how much that makes someone

want to leave the world behind