9/25/15-- Slutwalk

i didn't realize how bad, exactly, you got me

until i sprinted (i had originally said ran, but my friends corrected me

"no, you sprinted, dude. we've never seen anyone move that fast

from something that wasn't trying to kill them.") and had to

stop and consider the traffic coming towards me,

northbound on the right side of McKinley---

i had to remind myself that in me vs. car,

car wins.

my head went straight to my heart, i lost

my admittedly meager ability to have 

some goddamned logic,

when they handed you that megaphone.

and yeah, you have every right to be there, you are a survivor

and in some compartment seprate from my fear, i'm proud

of how far you've come.

but inbetween the palpatations and the paranoia, i pondered the irony 

of the fact that at an event designated to re-affirm the freedom we have

over our bodies,

the boy who made me doubt, fear, hate my own

was hailed as a hero.

when we were younger, he told me he was playing when he'd slug my arms

but when i told him "please stop, you're hurting me."

he'd shriek: "ohmigosh! kaylee-kins! i'm so sorry!"

but he'd go ahead and up his score with a few

more bruises.

i was his flaxen haired princess,

his favorite heterosexual,

and i know i've told you this story before because i say it all the time

but maybe if i say it enough i'll remember not to doubt myself.

and when i started to ask if i was any of the things he told me i was,

i shrugged my shoulders.

he obviously knew me best.

(what i was, what i knew and faced, what could hurt me

more than the way i'd already hurt myself.)

but, know this:

some day i'll be a little stronger

and come back to face you,

won't run away when i hear your name

or the way you laugh or fake an accent.

but, for now, fear works in my favor.

i had to stop to consider McKinley,

the way my heart had to stop when you parted the crowd.

and though i'm not your psychoanalyst,

my best guess is that you thought this all would make you strong.

and i'm sorry you need something else to make you feel that way.