Absent

When I was twelve years old, I discovered my worst fear

I was outside with my family on a normal summer day when my nose started bleeding

I didn’t notice until the blood started dripping down my face and my mouth suddenly tasted metallic

I wiped my nose with the back of my hand which I knew instantly was a huge mistake

Because the second I saw my fingers covered in the dark red liquid coming out of my body

I started screaming

Awful, terrible screeching that only a terrified little girl could compose

My parents ran to me thinking I had broken my arm or busted my head open

The realization that it was just a nosebleed made them laugh and my dad was sent inside to grab paper towels

But I didn’t need paper towels

I needed a brown paper sack like the ones they use in movies when someone needs help breathing

I needed an inhaler because despite the hyperventilating, underneath the blood gushing down my face, my lips were turning blue

I couldn’t breathe

I couldn’t think

I couldn’t respond when my stepmom started yelling my name

I couldn’t tell her that her voice was muffled and my vision was turning black

I couldn’t do anything

Well except pass out

And from that day on, I was terrified of blood.

When I was sixteen years old, I got over my worst fear

It started with a call from my best friend at 9:26 pm on a Sunday night where the only thing I could hear through the sobbing was

“I need you”

When I made it to my best friend’s house, I was met with a sight I will never forget

A razor blade in her hands and deep cuts in her skin and dark red liquid coming out of her body

I ran into the kitchen to grab paper towels

But she didn’t need paper towels

She needed someone to hold her while she cried and listen to her sob

She needed someone to promise that they were there for her and that they weren’t going to leave

So I came back and did just that

And during all this time, her blood was dripping on my skin and seeping through my clothes

But I couldn’t let go of her because I knew that’s what she needed

And to her the blood wasn’t a source of fear

It was a source of remembering that she was alive and she could feel and she was able

It was allowing her to breathe without the help of a brown paper sack or an inhaler

And despite the fact that my throat was being constricted with the sight of the thick, crimson stream flowing out of my friend’s arms

I knew that I couldn’t leave because I promised I wouldn’t and she needed me

I sat with her for probably half an hour before it stopped feeling like my lungs didn’t work and I realized that blood shouldn’t scare me

It should remind me that I was alive and I could feel and I was able

That night, I discovered a new fear

The absence of blood

Because an absence of blood means an absence of life

And my absolute worst fear would be the absence of my best friend