Absurd

There is heart behind every word I speak to you Every single word; But you can’t feel it and you never will Because no matter how hard I try these words will build up And build up And build up Until they burst out with an awkward squeak and trembling vocal chords That make you glance away and break eye contact Every Single Time. These trembling vocal chords fail me completely When my eye catches yours or your deep tenor calls my name Because my breath has run away with fright. My knees wobble and more often than not I feel lucky to be seated at a desk. My hands shake but that’s okay because I’ll say it’s from the car wreck That left my right side numb and twitching when I sleep. The usual symptoms crop up and all I can think is: God, there has got to be medicine for this bullshit. It’s absurd that every night I dream of you When I know for a fact I could be dreaming of rainbow tornadoes And albino spider bites, Anything but your face. Blistering resentment boils my lungs Because she is lovely, Your girl, And I’m happy you’re happy But I wish I was yours instead And that’s absurd, too; Because you’ll be going home to her And I’ll be going home Alone As always. I could never make you happy Which in and of itself is a lie Because I do make you happy Every time You smile In my presence I know it’s my fault But then again It’s absurd to think that everything else that happens in my presence The awkward glances at the clock; The eyes glazing over; The low hushed insults from strangers; Everything you can’t protect me from Without everyone thinking that maybe Just Maybe I make you happy Isn’t my fault, too. Of course it’s my fault. It always will be. And it’s absurd to think that I deserve love When I can make you happy But no one can ever Know.