Acceptance

Acceptance
Accepting that I could not eat
That I could not sleep
That I could not go to school
Accepting that I could not move
That I could not go a second without pain
That there was damage to my brain
That I had to sleep all day
Accepting that my junior year would be spent in bed
Accepting that my parents would always believe it was all in my head
That I would have to fall down the stairs time and time again even as they claimed my sickness was for attention
Accepting that my parents would no longer see myself as their daughter
That I was the girl who tried too much but was only seen as never trying enough because when people look at you and don't see results after a while they start to blame you
Accepting that I might not finish school
That no matter how many nights I cried myself to sleep no matter how many times I covered screams just to keep quiet because their sleep will always be more important than me no matter how badly I wanted to die I have to live because there are people who need me
Accepting that I'm gay and there will never be a day where I can be who I am around the people I used to think would love me no matter what but I guess their love ran out when they realized their little girl was sick and suddenly wasn't so little anymore and that they no longer cared to try
Accepting that I will throw up almost every single thing I eat
Accepting that I will still eat
Accepting that when I get out I can never come back
Accepting that the scars their fists left will always sting no matter how much concealer no matter how many tears I wipe away when they tell me I'm not worth the pain and that the whole world doesn't revolve around me can't I just let them get some sleep who do I think I am pain disorders are all in my head who the hell do I think I am expecting them to change their lives to help their little girl who isn't so little anymore but would love to just sit in her father's lap one more time as he kissed her goodnight thinking the world was at her fingertips never wondering if tonight would be it how dare I ask for anything more than they've given me
Accepting that they don't love me
That they won't love me
That I don't love me
Accepting that this is it
This is it