Accepting

I think we have all known the expression, when it rains...

I wish I really was someone. I wish my life actually did have some grand impact...

but it seems a lot more like an impass.

There, in retrospect and ungodly careful consideration and reflection that truly, I wanted to avoid-

I see myself, still in standing waters of almost inconcievable debt.... trying, being perhaps

too obstinate to survive.... and survive is an understatement, and I still have nothing to show for it.

ALl the while... I have no car now, I have bills that suffocate me, while my little girl is wodnering is she can draw on the walls and pages.

And I need really, only to make her safe and happy... and I am drowning. There is no one to save me.

I am to proud to be saved maybe,... or maybe its too late and God should not have let me live through the travesties that have been my life

And this is no please for attention. I myself try just to stay under the radar, not be seen, I couldnt begin to tell or explain why

I have had three loves either die from disease or murder. I was 17... I have untold and just... who can make any sort of sense of that?

I have written volumes and those are all in in pen and ink and hidden under my bed and wont be seen.

I dont have an aweser for why life has been so harsh, why this has all just been so bad, really... and I keep trying... to just be happy, see the silver lining and at least find a way to laugh at something about every damn terrible thing that has happened....

fine. thats great.    it doesnt pay the bills and in the end of it all... all i need is for my daughter to be okay. and at this point... it might just make sense if i die and she can be as okay as she can be.  I try not to thikn in those regards, I am sure none of us want to. theres an entire everythign, some stupid book I bet I could write that no one would buy,....  but I swear,.... I am trying... I am just trying to keep my head above water, just constantly hoping and trying and working. I am no great hope. i am the great white whale god should have sank. we would all be better off I sincreely think.