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Dear Abused,

Shout. Yell. Scream if you may. For I cannot.

My words are trapped-- encased in the shadowed silence. I unwillingly forced myself away from my joy, away from my own emotions. Drowning deep in my train of thought. Thinking. Thinking about what's best for me, yet finding all the mistakes that could occur.

I classified the situation as fixable. I made excuses in order to ignore the fact I-- I was being abused.

I’m not talking about the abuse including punching, kicking, or physical restraint. I’m talking about the abuse invisible to the eye: Mental and verbal abuse. Constantly being classified as a dull minded, senseless and dumb individual; I was someone's verbal punching bag, taking the hits day by day, worn out and drained. Of course I knew something was wrong, but how could I desert someone I loved?

I was scared of the rejection, scared of being alone. And breaking free from my comfort zone seemed impossible. So instead of risking loss, I made myself believe change would happen and placed myself up top a wavering tower of cards.

My concerned family constantly asked why I always came home with dark circles under my eyes, yet the only words that flowed soberly from my mouth was, “I didn't get any sleep last night.” Which was true, but it was only a small piece to a larger picture. How could I have told them the truth? How could I tell them I was mentally torn apart and confused? I couldn’t-- I was embarrassed-- I kept shut. I pushed all those that made me happy further and further away from me.

It wasn’t until my 7 year old brother carelessly galloped into my bedroom, finding me curled in a corner crying, that I realized what I needed to do. He gave me the greatest advice I’ll never forget. He informed me that everything would be alright, how it’s ok to be sad. As shocked as I was to hear that from my little brother, I asked him why-- why is it okay to be sad?

He pondered for a minute, thinking, “Well, it makes you stronger, it allows you to release your pain and anger. Whatever is making you cry, ask yourself what will make you happy. Once you find that, then find yourself, sister. Oh, and mom made dinner!”

I chuckled at him as a light bulb was lit above my head. If a young child, pure as white, could understand life, why couldn't I? My mind went ablaze, until I came to a halting conclusion: I couldn’t be in love with someone who wouldn’t love me. It was painful looking at the shadows of my relationship, cluttered with disrespect and lies.

I needed to be strong and build up the courage to say, “this isn’t what I want in my life.” So I set a goal to uncover what made me happy, and discover who I am. Change blessed my soul, for I left my abuser behind, taking the chance to blossom into someone beautiful.

The experience I endured will not be the last, many people will try to come into my life and place judgment upon me. However, I mustn't allow negative events ruin what life has in store for me.

So I beg you, stay strong. Do not allow fear follow you to your grave, instead conquer what frightens you. Ignore those who are dragging you down, and keep those who push to you to do better. Never go back to someone who abused you, even if they promise they'll change; because abusers never change. They are thirsty for other people's happiness, ready to strike at any given moment.

Lastly, be the you, you  wish to see in others. Live your life, not only fearlessly but also with zero regrets.

Love,
       Your real first love