Alive Again

I faced things that I’d never want you to see. And I only want people see the best side of me. I’ve always been the type to reject what was provided to me. Cause I never wanted to be a stand out. I’ve always struggled with what I’m all about. And if you knew my life, you’d know that I’ve never left the ring from that 3 round bout. I know that my story has been a fight, and there’s times that I just lose my might. And I feel like I’m never gonna be alright. Living life like I’m on standby, saying that I’d go to the front line, but never show up when it’s my time. Just spending time in the shadows, and I feel like there’s such a high expectation for these poems I compose. And I try to keep my composure, but it’s hard when I went through so much pain last year to find any source of closure. Being used, getting so confused, all raveled up into one big story of abuse. Last semester I had my first panic attack, like a knockout punch there was no planning for that. I was so scared and afraid, I texted 2 of my friends and called my mom. That phone call I exploded like a time-bomb. Just feeling dead inside. And all I did was drive home, hide in my room, and cry. Forget that I was in charge of a retreat, I just needed to retreat. And I may sound like a broken record, just on repeat. But I’ll say it again and again, this is a therapy for me. And I pray that this touches some of you. Cause I don’t try to know the struggles you’re going through. Just know that I’m not perfect, and I’m just a sinner who’s a defect. I don’t think of myself highly, and some people may see me as smiley. But I’ve got a dark past that I can’t get past. Visions coming to me day and night. Visions of the sins and the fights. And I hope and pray that everything’s gonna be alright. Because by myself I can’t put up the fight. Some people may just hear this poetry as a soundbyte. And I know that this JCM brand is not just because of the fans. There’s someone else who’s my biggest fan. And when I ran, He just waited patiently for me. And when I came back I was down and out. Not knowing what I was all about. Saying to him “Father, forgive me for I’ve sinned against you and against heaven.” He stopped me and said that my son is no longer dead! But clothe him and bring him in, cause my son has returned home. Showing me love that I’ve never felt before. My heart dropped and I nearly collapsed to the floor. And I could do was adore, cause I opened the door. To the father that gave his son for me, even though I was guilty of sins of all degrees. And it’s hard to accept that when sometimes I get stuck on the past me, but he just looks at me and say “John I want you to be free. Because there’s too many people out there who aren’t truly living, but they just breathe. I died for you my son, your battle has been won. You gave yourself the name JCM, but I gave you the name of John. You were dead, and my blood was shed. Now you are alive again. Now you are no longer a slave, but you are my friend.” He says those words to me over and over, and sometimes I just treat God as a pushover. When really he wants us to share in his Passover. He’s reaching out to all of us, and all we have to do is trust. But too many of us spend time being lazy and catching rust. Trust me when I say that my life could be considered a bust, but the father came to me, His son, and turned my horror story into a redemption of a lifetime. He gave me this ability to rhyme so that I could share his love with you and to know that you aren’t alone on this journey that can be a climb. But know that when you’re feeling all alone, and you’ve run so far from your heavenly home, the father is waiting for you to comeback and be healed. This life is a battlefield and you never have to be alone, Jesus let your love be known.