All I Need

All I Need

All I want is not to have to uncomfortably smile at the creeps who gawk at me as I stroll down city streets, fully clothed,

even as he and his friends shout out obscenities that they consider to be compliments.

“Hey beautiful, your ass looks great in those jeans!”  

“Smile more!”

“Don’t be such a bitch!”

All I want is not to fear, not to be afraid of the twenty steps it takes me to get to my car if I leave my house at night. 

Not to have that feeling of impending doom when I’m walking around campus at school in broad daylight,

and I see a man, who just won’t stop staring, out of the corner of my eye.

All I want is to look in the mirror, and not see a victim;

an inferior human who could do nothing to stand up for herself.

All I want is to stop the questions.

“What were you wearing?” they ask, looks of accusation apparent on their faces.

“Why did you drink so much?” 

“Why did you leave the group?”

All I want is to go back in time, before my parents learned about what happened.  

Maybe I could have done something differently.  

Maybe I didn’t follow directions well enough. 

Maybe I could spare them some of the pain my irresponsibility caused them. 

Maybe I could spare myself some of the guilt.

All I want is to not have to explain in the beginning of every relationship that I get into

why I’m so hesitant to jump into the “fun parts.”

Why I’m such a prude.

Why I can’t hold back tears when I’m touched the wrong way. 

Why I flinch from a gentle touch. 

All I want is for other strong men and women who’ve had similar experiences to be understood, and protected.  

A student shouldn’t have to attend classes with a man who drugged and sexually abused her.

An artist shouldn’t have to continue to work with her rapist, regardless of the length of the contracts that were involved.

All I want is for you to never have to understand how it feels to have every last shred of self worth taken away from you. 

To sit in the bathtub hoping the water will wash you clean, but it just makes you feel heavier.

All I need is for us to finally teach our sons not to rape instead of teaching our daughters how to avoid being raped.