all I see are wings

the universe keeps telling me "I hope you find somebody"

and I don't have the words to say "I won't"

because I'm so irreparably damaged, so far beyond fixing

in this way that I can't really speak about

not even to myself, honestly

it festers in the back of my head, pops up in confusing manifestations

that only make me shameful of the life I'm trying to live

a life where I'm supposed to be proud - to have pride

but I'm ball-and-chained to feelings from 2013, like I always am

and I wish it was easy enough to just let go

but if I let go of that, I let go of a great many other things along with it

things that I'm not sure I'll survive the winter without

so while I cling to those jagged pieces of the person I was four years ago

I stay tied, too, to the discomfort and disorientation that keeps rushing up behind me

blowing out the candle - cutting the wick at every turn

turning negatives into false positives

painting question marks on all of my clothes

and covering my eyes when I thought I'd finally, finally had enough light to see in the dark