All of Lost

I'm scared of myself of my reactions, of the choices I make. I'm scared of living everyday knowing that I should of done this or I should of done that. I'm scared of putting my heart on the line. People get hurt and it's not always easy to regain all of their life together. It's like living in an aquatic environment. No air to breathe just water to swallow. I'm scared to know myself, let alone know another. Though, If this is an illusion I pray to wake, because its torture is unbearable. Desires to seek something more and fantasy stories made up to cover a lonely soul. You may say I'm mean but it is at the unexpected moments that I truly show how I care and it is at those times, where my actions are doubted it is then when I begin to feel out of place out of reach. I've given myself many chances, the struggles to enlighten my limits I've given up, I have failed I have become a rotten vegetable, a senseless little girl I see all what's good for me and perhaps the only and best I would ever have. I reject all of it I reject myself I reject most importantly my soul. A life left in despair, a back so slouched, a head as big as a tombstone, eyes as deep and dark as the sea and arms as stiff as a morticians, mouth perched with dry scaly lips and lungs shrieked to a size of a pair of raisins. No voice can be heard No heart with a constant beat All just a pile of gray, pale skin draped along a Black chair. All and Nothing Nothing to give Nothing to keep All or nothing All and SOMETHING.