To all the men I almost loved

First, above all else; I hope you are well.

I hope you are happy

And cared for

And maybe even loved

The way I was meant to love you

The way I wanted to love you

The way I would have loved you

And to all the men I almost loved

I am sorry for the tears

Or the anger

Or the desperate words under breath

I cannot take back

I’m sorry for holding on,

When there was nothing to hold on to

And I hope you do not resent me for letting go.

To all the men I almost loved,

Sometimes I dream about you

Never all at once

Although that might be an idea

I dream about running into you at a farmers market

Or on a hay ride in October

I dream of moonlit lakes and skinny dipping together

And I wonder what could have been

What would have been

If we’d let it

But regret is just another way we hurt ourselves

So to all the men I almost loved

Perhaps if I had just kept messaging after you stopped replying

Maybe if I had brought cookies to your door instead of accepting your disinterest

That things would be different

Maybe I would be different

But I don’t want to be loved by someone who couldn’t love me where I was

Who couldn’t handle the hurt that I carry

I refuse to be disassembled again

I am tall enough to touch the stars

I am strong enough to survive this far

And my body has all the curves of the Himalayas

So don’t build your parking lot here

And to all the men I almost loved

Love, you almost had me