All of My Life

All of my life, I wanted to be a brunette

I started out blonde,

but blondes are dumb and superficial

right? 

I transitioned to brown, but then,

All my life I wanted my hair to be prettier, straighter, 

Different than it was. 

All of my life, I thought in a few years, 

In a few years I will have it all.

I WILL be cool, calm, collected,

popular, pretty, praised, 

talented, tall, thin,

but I never made it. 

In 1st grade, "Just wait until 4th grade"

In 4th grade, "Just wait until 6th grade"

In 6th grade, "Just wait until 7th grade"

In 7th grade, "Just wait until 9th grade"

Even now. "Just wait until senior year." 

I shouldn't wait anymore. 

But I have

All of my life. 

All of my life I have tried to do the right thing. 

All of my life, I have chastised myself

All of my life I have lived and feared. 

Maybe I should just live. That is what I have been doing

All of my life. 

But I have never mastered the art. Maybe instead of concerning myself

With the voices inside my head

I should concern myself with what I have wanted

All of my life. That I have pushed aside for the practical thing. 

Called surviving. It is not enough. Has it ever been? In 

All of my life? 

I have lived, survived, but never thrived. Never truly grown or loved or flown. In 

All of my life, I have fallen and learned. But what are those things

If I have not grown with knowledge and flown back to the top 

Indeed, when in

All of my life

Have I reached the top

I have always been adding to my mountain of expectations. 

I have never allowed myself to win in 

All of my life. 

Perhaps I should dedicate

All of my life to being a life rich enough to be full. To be called 

ALL of my life.