Alone

Sometimes I feel so all alone, that is why I turned to drugs, For that moment it felt so

good, like nothing in the world mattered, only for  a few minutes I couldn't feel any

pain. But when the high has gone away, here comes the pain and depression again.

No one had ever sat me down and took the time to ask" Why do ypu feel this way?' 

They say " Charmin, you just wanna get high and make excuses for yourself everyday."

BBut little did they know, this route I would NEVER chose, if I had one person that 

sshowed me they cared, instead of snaring up their nose.

At the age of 8 I was violated by someone that was supposed to protect me, although

he saw himself as a little boy, a MAN he was to me. My mom was a drunk, and 

never took the time  to ask me " Why am I acting out?'  She would just drop me 

off at his house, and her friends, and her would go out. She'd tell me " if i called

my granny, she'd beat me the next day." I'd pray and pick up the phone, and call 

her anyway. My granny would come get me, but she had a life of her own too,

she had a man who did not want me there, o she 'd take me bak to my mom's 

although she was VERY unaware.

Th nights I was afraid to call my granny because of what my mother said, my 

sister aand I would lie on the couch , and when the lights went out, I'd her him

creeping out his bed. I'd play as if I was asleep, but that REALLY didnt work. At

8 years old  his hand was inside me and he whispered " Shh don't say a word."

I used to ask myslef " Why me ?" "Why not my litle sster?" Eventhough, I knew it

was wrong. Why does he only violate me? When he knows this shit is WRONG?

I know it might sound crazy, but I'm glad it happened to me instead of my litle 

sister. Now she can have a normal life, hold a job, and be worshipped by our 

parents, when im haunted by his whisper. 

I graduated high school and went to college, and I met an amazing man and we 

had out firs child together. He was easy to talk to and he understood me , so I 

opened up and told him everything about this awful situation. He was furious

and he said to me " you know what you have to do, you have to tell someone

because that's why your so messed up." I also blamed my mother, and the guy who 

didn't give a fuck.

When  I decided to tell my mother, she looked at me as if she didn't care.She said

"Oh that happened to me too!" Like that was a happy moment we shared. I hated

her for so long, it caused me to try to take my own life. She never cared about me 

or my kids , my sister, my niece were her life. 

Now my life is so messed up, I can't hold a job, I let drugs ruin my life, and I  

never got to pursue my dreams.  But I have 2 BEAUTIFUL girls that think I am 

their evrything . they say " Mommy don't quit , please don't give up , we love you,

and you are the best ." Yes I struggle daily, and I want to quit, but I tink of what 

my kids saod.

I forgave my mother and the MAN who violated me, although it took me a 

while because I know when it's my time, and I enter Heaven, I will see my 

granny standing there, arms open, with a GREAT BIG SMILE!