Am I Trippin'?

It be hard to pray when you feel like God has failed you in the toughest part of your life. Now i see why people ask, "Why does God allow us to go though so musch pain?" and people replied "To test our faith". Well dang. Me growing up in the church must've slipped his mind."Ask and you shall recieve" He says. So Father, why is it that when I called out to you, you left me like the child of a dead beat? I'm just saying... I prayed every night to see at least a speck of light at the end of the tunnel.. I'm just saying.. I'm not disappointed, I'm just confused. Now I see why my atheist friends don't believe in you and it angers me because I do. I don't wanna be one of those you turn your cheek to. I love you and everything, but I thought the power of prayer from your faithful servant was gonna fix things. I just... I, hate, the feeling of questioning your existance. Was all those dreams just dreams and visions hallucinations? When I be crying and prayin, is that just me going crazy? Crying and praying to something that may or may not exist.. Am I trippin'? I'm up at 2 in the morning with these thoughts running through my mind, Please tell me I'm not trippin'. I've been begging for a sign of your existance but all I revieve are life trials and tribulations, and I can't take it no more! It's like those girls who be taking all that crap but don't wanna say it to your face type stuff. Trying to, live a pure life and cleanse myself from all unrighteousness.. Baptism. The choice I made to strenghten my relationship with you. Like I said, i hate the feeling of doubting you because I now that when I die, I dont want to burn in Hell forever, but to dwell in your glory and bask in your love and peace for eternity. But I don't know how to feel anymore. You know what i thought about for a while now.. You know how we tell people who worship idols that their god isn't real, what if, all this time you wern't real, you know. How do we know you're real? In church when i praise you, yes, I do feel something. I know it's not the gas in my stomach, but the feeling of your roots intertwining with mine and the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders, yes, I felt free. But was that feeling just me breaking free from holding my emotions in from the outside world? From all those people who judge us and break us down to the point where the hole in your hearts turn into a black hole sucking up all happiness into an oblivion. Am I trippin'?? Please tell me I'm not trippin'. Was everything I studied and worked hard for really worth it? I know the world is gonna end soon. No doubt about it but are you actually coming to save your people. All my life I've been fed false hope from adults and friends, but I actually have faith in you. Trust in you. Hope.. Jehovah Jirah, our provider. I'm humble and dont ask for much but I came to you with a broken heart and open wounds and left dead inside. Now how, is that possible? Sometimes I feel like you don't act, because you want us to realize things for ourselves. They tell me to never pray out loud because the devil is always listening, but, if you are the most high and have all authority and the power, how is it that this fallen angel is able to flip the script on my words? Aren't. You. God? It's crazy, I don't even know what to believe anymore. I must be trippin'. 

Thank You.