And I'm Lost, Dear

When I am frantic

And determined

I scare myself

I scare myself because

I care

And yet I don't care at all

I despise apathy

In me

In particular

But on these days

I would let myself scratch up pretty marble walls

And secrete blood all over

And howl like a banshee in anguish

Ignoring the feelings of all else around me

But miracles bless me more often than not

So even in times of deepest sorrow

I have no right to complain

Tonight

On the way back to the scene of the crime

I had to console myself with lovely lyrics

That made me realize

Even the most accomplished artists lose their wallet sometimes

And go on, some days, merely to thrive as means of spite

When I arrived

She said

"Uh-Uh, Stay there."

And I tried arguing like an ignorant idiot

I had sweat completely through my shirt

And perspired throughout the small amount of hair I have remaining

She-

The angel with sugar to spare and feathering deep red lipstick

She returned my possessions to me

On the way back

I talked to my imaginary friends again

That term is unkind

They exist

Just not on this spacial temporal surface of mine

I write poems on my walks

Since I specifically don't listen to music

Not only must I be safe

I must also be open to the world that I ought to be engulfed in

I have access to shelter again

And I actually remembered my poem

Most die in the same brain matter that conjured them

It's sad since surely some are good

But my symptoms pain me

And I must shower off all this stupidity

I feel so entirely awful when I'm dumb

Actual dumb

I'm impractical and naive often, but not usually dumb

So I need a shower

And I need to study

I'll get better

I've got to do more than survive, I need to rub it in your face

...yeah.