To my First,

 

I remember the day that I witnessed your impressionable smile and sparkling eyes.

I remember the tiny flutter of my heart, that feeling that you were going to mean something to me.

I remember getting to know you - the you behind that dashing smile and bright eyes

and I remember growing to love you. I grew to love you, darling, with all of my young heart.

 

I loved you for all that you were. Every attribute that you had. 

I loved that radiant light of yours - even more was that chaotic mess swirling about in your head.

I loved you with all that I could have possibly had.

Everything, everything...I poured everything I had into my love.

But, it was not enough, was it?

 

We had that "igniting spark" and when it blew out, 

you decided that our love did too. 

We were floating oh so high on "Cloud Nine" and when reality came crashing down,

you decided that our love did too.

You decided that I was not worth the effort to be worked on - that our love was not worth it.

You decided that we no longer loved each other.

 

Was I not enough? 

Tell me, please, why, after months and months of loving me, you suddenly stopped?

Was it that flame? That flame that burnt out? 

Tell me. Tell me, please. 

I spent countless days and nights wondering what I did wrong, what I could have done. 

Was it me? Was it what I did? Why didn't you want to work for us? Why did you want to give up so easily?

Why did you let me believe that you loved me?

 

I loved you with all that I had, and it was not enough for you.

 

As I write this, my tattered heart aches.

It aches, not for you, but for the love I wasted on you 

when I should have been loving myself.

Those times I should have been focusing on myself I spent crying in the darkness,

begging the world to tell me why I was not enough.

All of those times I wasted crying and screaming and ruining myself over you,

I should have been loving myself.

 

But here I am, with a strong heart, knowing that I am enough.

I am worth the amount of love that I give. 

I am worth the effort to keep a love growing.

And I am so glad to have met you.

Because, before, without you, I would have still been a girl helplessly in love.

But, now, without you, I am one with a great and tenacious heart.

 

With you, I have been given my greatest light and my greatest darkness.  

And now, without you, with my own heart, I will go on.

And I will learn that I am worth it.

 

Love,

Me