And When They Ask Me..
And when they asked me what i would do
If i knew i would go
i would cry and say Leviticus 1822.
I hate you.
because you see in my life I've done nothing but try.
Try to learn
Try to focus
Try to be kind
Try to be good
Try try try
All I've ever wanted was to be good.
I grew up like most do
Everything is seen in shades of Black and white
Good is white, black is bad. Most are good and some are bad
The idea that life is in grays, did not arise from quicksand until much later
You see
I fail to recognize the idea that loving someone sends me to hell
I fail to understand how a god, who only wants us to spread love and kindness and be the best version of ourselves we can be
Would send me
To Hell
You see
Because people like me and you
We spend all our lives trying to be the best we can
Trying to spread the most love
Trying to spread the most kindness
But when people ...when people
Tell us that our love is nothing but a sin against god
It hurts
Because people like you
Have no fucking idea
What it is like growing up in a predominantly heterosexual
Predominantly cisgender society
When the little voice in our limbs and our brains squeaks like it was buried alive.
Because it was.
It whispers to us kiss them hug them love them
No, no no no.
That's not what i see in the world around me.
You see
I've only ever tried to be a peacemaker
Make everything equal
Because we all deserve that right?
I can't tell anymore
Come to think of it
I remember when i couldn't tell anyone
I learned the word gay in 2nd grade
I learned the word transgender in the 5th
And i think about when i knew i was was much younger than 13.
When i think about it i see mulan
I see kristen stewart
I see a fellow swim teammate in my eyes
When i think of when i knew
I see michelle Pfeiffer as catwoman.
and i can see little me feeling some type of feeling and not knowing what to say or do.
Because girls can't love other girls
Boys can't love other boys
I mean, when i learned that they did
It was only a rare scenario, people like that were rare, right?
I can remember when i was 9 i held my best friend's hand in the back of her minivan
Her sister's behind us they whispered
I can still hear them in my ears
“look at their hands”
“they're just little kids they don't know, it doesn't mean anything”
You see
I remember the class clown
His mothers were gay
But when vile children think they're unstoppable they'll call out from the depths of bigotry
You're gay
You're a faggot
You're queer
You see
I never thought I'd see a clown cry but i did
You see
When i learned of organ donation in health class
My dear friend told me he was scared
He told me they probably wouldn't let him do that
I was puzzled he didn't make sense
And even after he told me he was gay
I widened my eyes trying to see why that would be an issue
Because at the time, hiv/aids a supposed gay man's disease was not uncovered yet in my knowledge
You see
I remember a panic attack in October when i told my parents everything
And they told me it wasn't true
They knew me more than i knew myself
But 6 months later when it was discovered i had a supposed girlfriend
Well i must tell my father..
I remember shaking up the stairs and breaking into a sob saying ‘dad i have a girlfriend-ish. I like girls don't hate me’
It's alright he said
But they, they never mentioned it after that
You see
When i befriended 3 handsome transgender boys at school
My friend's dad explained that isn't possible because with the population of our student body and the statistics of trans students their can't possibly be that. Many?
When i was 16 i found myself at pride
Immersed with the idea that love is acceptable
But a year later when queer prom is announced
I cannot go
Because it is still an issue that fists may be risen
And Violence may attack our love
You see i am 17 and i had a boyfriend struck by the idea that i can love a man or a woman.
His brother, well he has been hit with a rainbow bolt of lightning
And storms his church with worry of his brother's sinner of a girl.
The church? They don't accept me.
But they don't even know me
They've never met me
That is one, one small characteristic of me
But i am still a whole person.
I am a good person with the flaws and mistakes but how can that one thing, that one small so-called sin send me to hell.
When i am nothing but good otherwise?
You see I want you to give me one valid reason outside of the concept of religion
Because i can give you many reasons in the notion of common sense as to why love is fine! Gender is fine!
Because my whole life i was always asked what do you want to be
Who do you wanna be
But when kids say things like
Girl or boy
man or woman
But yet they say
You're too young to know that, come to think of it
You can't even say that
Look in your pants
What do you see?
Or better yet someone is gonna do it for us…
Oh! and if you bring up the bathroom issue
Well there's simply not one unless of course you need to talk to your doctor.
But you, you in the pew
You have a variety of friends
Enjoy a variety of foods
Change your hair and clothes
So can you explain to me what is so wrong about
bending the binary
About expressing the skin you were given to fit -evolve to who you are
Because we all express ourselves in a vast array of ways
You see
I have friends getting ready for surgery
And it's like getting a shitty cast off that's been stuck to you since birth
I've got Friends taking hormones
It's like speaking your mind for the first time in your life
So.
I fail to see your point with any of this
Come out and face me with questions and i will refute them
Because you see, you hear
Are you listening?
We are all humans who just want to live and be loved
Is that too much for you?
Because i can tell you that is simply enough for us!
s.e.b.