And When They Ask Me..

And when they asked me what i would do

If i knew i would go

i would cry and say Leviticus 1822.

I hate you.

because you see in my life I've done nothing but try.

Try to learn

Try to focus

Try to be kind

Try to be good

Try try try

All I've ever wanted was to be good.

I grew up like most do

Everything is seen in shades of Black and white

Good is white, black is bad. Most are good and some are bad

The idea that life is in grays, did not arise from quicksand until much later

You see

I fail to recognize the idea that loving someone sends me to hell

I fail to understand how a god, who only wants us to spread love and kindness and be the best version of ourselves we can be

Would send me

To Hell

You see

Because people like me and you

We spend all our lives trying to be the best we can

Trying to spread the most love

Trying to spread the most kindness

But when people ...when people

Tell us that our love is nothing but a sin against god

It hurts

Because people like you

Have no fucking idea

What it is like growing up in a predominantly heterosexual

Predominantly cisgender society

When the little voice in our limbs and our brains squeaks like it was buried alive.

Because it was.

It whispers to us kiss them hug them love them

No, no no no.

That's not what i see in the world around me.   

You see

I've only ever tried to be a peacemaker

Make everything equal

Because we all deserve that right?

I can't tell anymore

Come to think of it

I remember when i couldn't tell anyone

I learned the word gay in 2nd grade

I learned the word transgender in the 5th

And i think about when i knew  i was was much younger than 13.

When i think about it i see mulan

I see kristen stewart

I see a fellow swim teammate in my eyes

When i think of when i knew

I see michelle Pfeiffer as catwoman.

and i can see little me feeling some type of feeling and not knowing what to say or do.

Because girls can't love other girls

Boys can't love other boys

I mean, when i learned that they did

It was only a rare scenario, people like that were rare, right?

 

I can remember when i was 9 i held my best friend's hand in the back of her minivan  

Her sister's behind us they whispered

I can still hear them in my ears

“look at their hands”

“they're just little kids they don't know, it doesn't mean anything”

You see

I remember the class clown

His mothers were gay

But when vile children think they're unstoppable they'll call out from the depths of bigotry

You're gay

You're a faggot

You're queer

You see

I never thought I'd see a clown cry but i did

You see

When i learned of organ donation in health class

My dear friend told me he was scared

He told me they probably wouldn't let him do that

I was puzzled he didn't make sense

And even after he told me he was gay

I widened my eyes trying to see why that would be an issue

Because at the time, hiv/aids  a supposed gay man's disease was not uncovered yet in my knowledge

You see

I remember a panic attack in October when i told my parents everything

And they told me it wasn't true

They knew me more than i knew myself

But 6 months later when it was discovered i had a supposed girlfriend

Well i must tell my father..

I remember shaking up the stairs and breaking into a sob saying ‘dad i have a girlfriend-ish. I like girls don't hate me’

It's alright he said

But they, they never mentioned it after that

You see

When i befriended 3 handsome transgender boys at school

My friend's dad explained that isn't possible because with the population of our student body and the statistics of trans students their can't possibly be that. Many?

 

When i was 16 i found myself at pride

Immersed with the idea that love is acceptable

But a year later when queer prom is announced

I cannot go

Because it is still an issue that fists may be risen

And Violence may attack our love

 

You see i am 17 and i had a boyfriend struck by the idea that i can love a man or a woman.

His brother, well he has been hit with a rainbow bolt of lightning

And storms his church with worry of his brother's sinner of a girl.

The church? They don't accept me.

But they don't even know me

They've never met me

That is one, one small characteristic of me

But i am still a whole person.

I am a good person with the flaws and mistakes but how can that one thing, that one small so-called sin send me to hell.

When i am nothing but good otherwise?

You see I want you to give me one valid reason outside of the concept of religion

Because i can give you many reasons in the notion of common sense as to why love is fine! Gender is fine!

Because my whole life i was always asked what do you want to be

Who do you wanna be

But when kids say things like

Girl or boy

man or woman

But yet they say

You're too young to know that, come to think of it

You can't even say that

Look in your pants

What do you see?

Or better yet someone is gonna do it for us…

Oh! and if you bring up the bathroom issue

Well there's simply not one unless of course you need to talk to your doctor.

But you, you in the pew

You have a variety of friends

Enjoy a variety of foods

Change your hair and clothes

So can you explain to me what is so wrong about

bending the binary

About expressing the skin you were given to fit -evolve to who you are

Because we all express ourselves in a vast array of ways

You see

I have friends getting ready for surgery

And it's like getting a shitty cast off that's been stuck to you since birth

I've got Friends taking hormones

It's like speaking your mind for the first time in your life

So.

I fail to see your point with any of this

Come out and face me with questions and i will refute them

Because you see, you hear

Are you listening?

We are all humans who just want to live and be loved

Is that too much for you?

Because i can tell you that is simply enough for us!

s.e.b.

 

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