Another Night

Just trying to make it through another one of those nights.

The ones where sleep eludes me like a shadow in the darkness.  Feeling depressed and lonely.  I don't even have the energy for the thoughts that would normally be racing through my mind at this point, and yet strangely I don't seem to have what it takes to drift off either.  Sleep is just not in my agenda I guess.

Such a great day turns to a crappy night.  A night where I should be relaxed and easily fall asleep.  I feel I have missed my opportunity yet again.  The fleeting moment of tiredness flies past me and I am left in bed, wide awake, listening to the sounds of the house and the trains going by.

Is it that I am too scared to fall asleep?  Am I trying to avoid my own dreams and nightmares.  A duo that has seamlessly collided in to one categorically horrific episode?  Or is it those horrifying thoughts that keep me awake at this hour, no not the racing ones.  Is this just another defense mechanism I have developed to help block out the unwanted and unwarranted things my mind comes up with to scare and drive me insane?

I feel depressed.  I want nothing more than to fall asleep in your arms, while we both lay peacefully in slumber and our subconscious peacefully takes over, to wake fully rested and alert next to you.  No, instead, I am raked by this plague of night long war with myself.  I wish I could join you.

I will be awake until the sun rises and at that point the very point that the sun beams through the glass, I will finally feel it in my bones.  The calling to lay my head back down and try one last time before completely giving up.  When I wake half the day has gone by, nothing has been accomplished.  And I have not the energy to do a quarter of the things I should.

So I say to you my friends.  Sleep well, for although I do not join you in this hour, soon I will find my way to the very place you are in now.