Another Untitled

The room is always dim, aside from the fog of creeping cancer, and over-priced incense. It bounces, it swirls, among the sad lamps (barely holding on), seeps from under locked doors. So much fucking smoke, and I’m just adding to it. But what else can we do? Just sit, smoke, and add. ~ ~ ~ Close your eyes. Think nodding head, think vinegar. Think soft couch, think sinking. “I just....it’s just not working. I’m just...not happy.” What about my fucking happiness? No, keep eyes closed. Think deep breaths. Think carefully descent. “Its not that I don’t love you, Chris.” Love? Think love. Think honey and warmth running circles through blood. Love. Think love. “I’m always going to be here for you baby. I just... can’t be here.” Gone. Just think Gone. ~ ~ ~ “CHRIS.” Pounding on the door. “GOD DAMNIT, CHRISTOPHER.” More pounding. Pounding. My head is fucking pounding. Bring the blankets closer to skin. I shake, I breathe. “CHRIS, YOU DUMB LITTLE SHIT. OPEN THE DOOR.” Deep breaths. Slide covers off, force yourself to sit up. Force even harder and get to the door. “IF YOU’RE FUCKIN DEAD IN THERE I-” Shut the fuck up, Jamie. Standing in my doorway, sunken eyes search for light in mine. A hand meets my shoulder, and instinctively I lean. “You look like shit, kid.” Sick. I’m fucking sick, Jamie. “Arn’t we all, Chris.” Arn’t we all. He throws his arms around me and steers. Into my shit one room, over to my shit mattress. I sit. I shake. I breathe. “Wheres Nick, Chris?” I watch. I watch him fill coffee pot, fill conversation, fill space. “Chris, where the fuck is Nicole?” Gone, Jamie. Shes just...gone. He stops for a second peers down. “Just gone? People don’t just get up and go, Chris.” I watch. “Chris?” I shake. “Chris, man.” I breathe. “Chris, where did Nick go?” I’m sick, Jamie. She left, Jamie. I’m sick. He stares. He looks. He sighs. “I know, champ. I know.” ~ ~ ~ 60 mg of savoir sit before me. A cheap side table looks so perfect with a few touches of pink. I sit. I shake. I breathe. I dig for a lighter and paper. I dive. One thing you learn as a diver, is your lighter will be there, when all else is gone. A lighter will crush, a lighter will line, a lighter will close a straw. I dive. Gone. Just think Gone. ~ ~ ~ I swim up again, and Jamie is back. The Pixies are playing. I fucking hate the Pixies. “I found Nicole.” I watch him watch. I sit. Just watch. “Shes checked herself in.” Hes light a fag. Hands me one. I light. I smoke. I watch. “Somewhere in Princeton. McLive, or McSober. McKickIt. Something like that.” McLean, Jamie. “Yeah. McLean.” He smokes. I smoke. We watch. “I’ve been thinking it might be good.” I sit. I smoke. I breathe. “To clean up, you know? To stop. For just awhile.” We smoke. I fucking hate The Pixies, Jamie. He laughs, so soft. I watch. “Don’t we all, kid.” Don’t we all. ~ ~ ~ Think bittersweet, think vinegar. Think anticipation. I sit. I shake. I watch. The lighter is back again, doing her job to help us dive. All out of candles, she does it herself. Her flame is captivating. I watch her dissolve. I dissolve as I watch. “This is my last bump, Chris. I swear. I’ll go tomorrow.” I dissolve as I watch. Sure, Jamie. Yeah, Jamie. The cottons are right here, Jamie. I dissolve as I watch. He fills the rig. I dissolve as I watch. He tightens the belt around his arm. I dissolve as I watch. Needle meets skin. I dissolve as I watch. He fades. He smiles. He hands. I dissolve. “Here’s looking at you, kid.” I dive. Just think Gone. ~ ~ ~ “You’re going to have to get a job, Chris.” He stands in the doorway. He stands, ready to leave. I sit. I swim. I can’t watch. “You have to be clean to get a job, Chris.” The last of his stash sit on the side table. It stares harder than he ever could. I know, Jamie. “Come with me. We could do this together.” I sit. I smoke. I breathe. I can’t yet, Jamie. I’m not ready, Jamie. Soon, Jamie. I sit. I shake. I can’t watch. I swim. “I love you, man” Love. Think love. Think a warm place to hide, Think shelter from the storm. “You’re my best friend, and I love you.” I sit. I shake. I can’t watch. He sighs. He walks. The door slams. I can’t watch. I swim. Can’t watch. Just think Gone. ~ ~ ~ I am not alone. lost. gone. I am not loved. here. Found.