Anxiety

The words in your mouth,

perch, poised, on the tip of your tongue,

roll unused on the pearls of your teeth.

Everything bit back,

everything you lack,

all those missed opportunities rolled into a pack

of bitter tea leaves,

promising you life isn’t as good as it seems,

and you were never really worth it anyway,

at least that’s what the image in the crystal ball will say.

And crystal turns to gold,

and now it’s harder to hold

onto yourself,

fingers tightening,

pupils dilating,

the gold goes to you,

for shitty mental health.

And you’re a modern-day Midas,

sure, your chest is the tightest

that it’s been in a while,

just try a smile,

because no one wants what we’ve got.

But still say it’s fake,

I’m no fool.

I know what it can take

to breathe some days.

When that golden ball gets stuck between your ribs,

And though the frog in your throat is trying,

c’mon Kermit I’m dying,

you feel that molten metal moving your meat,

ripping through muscles and tendons to reach

a hand around your heart,

fit fingers over your lungs,

making your knees weak.

Tongue twisting, hard to speak,

to reach

a point where you feel human.

I know sometimes you feel stressed,

less than,

depressed and

There’s a weight pressed in

To all the parts of you that started to love you again.

There is no easy fix,

no simple tricks,

it’s not over quick,

and it’s certainly not painless,

but for me it’s a movement to breathe.

Breathe in,

to expand my chest and sense the fibers

as my lungs get wider and wider,

forcing my fear and anxiety

there I said it, anxiety, finally.

Breathe out,

and I spit clouds of gold dust,

just

letting it settle on my shoulders and coating my knuckles,

along with the blood from holding on to hard.

I know it’s a struggle.

But whether you remember it with bitterness or pride,

you have survived

all your days,

all your nights,

despite what’s been inside.

I’ve cried,

I’ve wanted to die,

I know

It’s the sort of pain that’s just so hard to hide.

So I’m telling you now,

that I’m going to

leave the glitter under my fingernails,

and in my eyelashes.

I’m going to make myself get up in front of a crowd,

project my voice,

make it loud,

this is my choice

but it hurts,

and can you hear the sound

of all the words I’ve never gotten out,

finding their way to my mouth,

making themselves heard.

So I can stand and tell you,

gold is beautiful and weak.

But you are beautiful and strong.

Baby just breathe.