anxiety

Sometimes my hands tremble

Sometimes my throat starts to close

Sometimes I feel hot when I am oh so cold

Sometimes- nothing helps.

This anxiety follows me when I sleep- or rather don’t sleep- can’t sleep-

My mind is too filled with scenarios and a potential future- neither of which is in my control

And I explode.

I explode.

I can’t think- won’t think- don’t know what to think

I’m panicking and I know there is no reason, nothing even happened to me but it’s the thought

The thought that in just a day my entire life can make a 180 counterclockwise then clockwise again- making sure my head keeps spinning- but making sure I spin fast enough so hopefully the air will dry my eyes.

At night, when the insomniac I am tries to beat her record and count less one less sheep than she did yesterday

She can’t

She can’t because being alone in the darkness is a trigger and she can’t see the trigger because it’s too dark and she doesn’t know what she’s doing because she cant see so she pulls.

And when she pulls the anxiety is let out and next thing she knows is its 5 am and she’s never shut her eyes

It was getting too unbearable.

I started to ingest different medications to try and find some solution but none of them shed a light in the darkness. None of them allowed me to see the trigger I’ve been pulling but rather let me jump the fences with the sheep blindly and pull the trigger again- and again

I needed to calm down. I needed to find a way to stop overthinking and allowing my mind to take over my body. I needed to shut my mind down.

So I will.