With shaking legs, a racing heart,
lightheadedness, a feeling of having
the entire world crashing down around you,
you take a deep breath
and start speaking.
The presentation doesn't go as planned.
You stumbled over your words,
had awkward pauses in between, and felt
like everyone was watching with judgement
clear in their eyes.
You're ashamed of yourself.
You know it's all in your head and the
world isn't actually ending.
But you still want to die.
It's not a strong and worrisome feeling,
but it's still there, beacause you're tired
of never being able to speak to people or
make friends or function at all
It's a terrible feeling each and every time.
You don't know why it's so hard or
why you were made to be this way, but
you just want this consuming feeling of dread
to go away and leave you alone.
It would be so much easier if you didn't exist.
If you would just die.
Even with these thoughts, you know that
you don't actually want to die.
Maybe you just have to become stronger so
you could better deal with these situations.
You may find it hard to speak to people
and you may feel ashamed of your entire
existence sometimes. But
at least you have a few people who care.
At least you have a house and clothes and food.
Things get hard and hard and harder,
but all anyone can ever do
is keep living.