Anxiety and pills

Anxiety and Pills 

Dear friend Anxiety, 

You make me hide behind a mask, 

People think I'm fine, but the joke’s on them. 

When you're here my mind never stops racing, 

My heart begins to pound so loud,

I swear people can hear it, 

My head begins to spin, 

I start to stutter and begin to shake, 

I feel weak, 

I can't breathe, 

It’s as if I'm drowning and I'm trying to get to the surface, but you're holding me down, 

I'm fighting but you just won't let go, 

And then I pass out. 

You've been with me a long time now, 

How long has it been eight, maybe nine years? 

You've stuck around with me more than anyone I know, 

Should I say you're a loyal friend? 

You're like a dark cloud that follows me wherever I go, 

Sometimes you give me a break and let me enjoy time with friends, 

Then you'll unwelcomely sit next to me and make me lose interest in what I'm doing. 

I've lost so much in my life because of you and I will never get it back. 

I've lost memories, friendships, a relationship, and who I used to be. 

You fill me with this stomach turning feeling, 

You specifically like to ruin my big moments. 

Let's talk about the time when you made me throw up before my first communion, 

That time I began to stutter, shake, and then cry in class as I presented something about my past, 

Or the night of Junior Induction when that person who had hurt me walked in and because of you I couldn't keep myself together. 

Now I know I shouldn't blame all my troubles on you, 

Sometimes I blame it on the bullies, the family wars, the man from my childhood whose name I cannot repeat, the so called "friends," and my favorite- the doctors. 

Those doctors try to help, 

They love those pills they try to feed us, 

The pills I've been taking since first grade and as if every couple of years I need more pills for more reasons. 

But what about those side effects, 

Anxiety, insomnia, depression, nausea, loss of appetite, headaches, and weight loss. 

Those side effects are what cause more problems, 

I get anxiety from the ADHD pills, 

So I go on pills for anxiety, 

The anxiety pills make me feel depressed, 

So I'm sent to the doctors to get a script for more pills, 

But then... the list can go on and on. 

Pills, pills, pills, 

These pills which are thought of as the cure for "everything," 

You start so young that you can't imagine a life filled with freedom from them. 

A four day vacation, filling a seven day pill box, 

A night out with friends, but don't forget your little baggy holding the pill that keeps your friends from saying "Calm down Caitlyn." 

Now I don't understand people very well, 

Why must you know the name? 

Why do you ask why I am taking them? 

You do not NEED to know, 

You just WANT to know, 

Because you believe these pills define me, 

But you're wrong. 

These pills do not and will not ever define me. 

My anxiety will never define me, 

Nor will my ADHD or depression. 

Most people wouldn't write about these struggles, 

But I'm not most people. 

I'm not ashamed to say what I've struggled with because my struggles have shaped me into the person I am, 

A daughter who only wants to make her parents proud, 

A granddaughter who would do anything in the world to make her Nana and Papa smile, 

A friend who will never betray their trust, 

An employee who tries to make a customer’s day better, 

A cheerleader who gets right back up after falling down, 

And a feminist who doesn't quit when told to back down for what is right.