anya

death is a tramatizing thing, a substance that people who've been lost retreat to;

she left us alone, little did we know we left her alone first.

so happy and so filled with the same bright energy that overflows in our sun;

she truly was the center of the universe.

How is it not recognized what was done was wrong until she is gone?

did she deserve it? the comments the remarks the impersonations?

 how ridiculous, how stupid, how to rip at someones well-being

it was two days before she told me how spectacular a new book was,

how did i not see it, i knew about the bullying, the harrassment, if only i helped;

the school asked the students to take down the posts that left bullet holes in her heart.

but it was already said, everyone knew, whispers were the only thing that spilled into her ears.

my "friends" didn't approve of her, her drinking, her partying, her lifestlye, they hated that i liked her, maybe even looked up to her.

what she did isn't a clear window of who she is:

I walked out to find my car had a flat, i had no experience and started scavenging my car. When she came out and saw the deflated piece of rubber.

"i'm going to help you" no thats okay im fine "i'm going to help you" go away im fine "no im helping you" and she knelt down with the pouring rain runnning off my car onto her jean skirt. "i'm not going to leave you here" she says and tells her ride to go home without her. She did it all, i didn't know how to change a tire if my life depended on it.

She sais her dad taught her how, i wonder their relationship, if he saw signs of her drifting, or were they close even?

I miss her, i glance around and can only see people who helped push her to make that decison.

how hurt she must have been to force her fingers to grasp around the cold heavy weapon.

she shouldn't have felt urged this was the only way to escape

The Pain must have been so excruciating to allow her to pull that trigger, to know there would never be a tomorrow.

it still seems unreal, fake, false, it happened the wednesday night before christmas break, she had her birthday not long before. the big 18.

my "friends" texted asking how i was after i went home and i couldn't even believe they could ask. it doesn't matter how i am it mattered how she was!

friday i came back to find everything normal, did people even care? acting like nothing happened? like we didn't all just push a beautiful, hilarious, stubborn (that's just who she is) excellent speak giver, in love with her ex who went to college, trend fashion setter, eyebrow on fleek queen, makeup tutorial goddess, a friend who will always have you back, always, the more caring, sender of "have an amazing day because you're beautiful and have achieved so much... we pulled the trigger. only after i told my "friends" they shouldn't have been so mean, they responded, "we regret it now" Now? only now, this had to happen for you to relize it was wrong to treat someone that way?

We Killed Her.