apology

dear mom,

i'm sorry i couldn't make you proud.

i'm sorry i couldn't live up to your dreams.

i'm sorry i drive you crazy daily.

i'm sorry i hardly speak to you anymore.

but i promise i've been trying

trying to motivate myself

trying to live my own dreams

trying not to procrastinate

because tomorrow i want to wake up early and watch the sun rise

i want to drink coffee and watch the sun rise and do my homework

and tomorrow i want to be productive before visiting my friends

i want to be productive and make you proud

and tomorrow i want to rid myself of stress

i want to rid myself of stress and sadness and anger

and tomorrow i want to be the best that i could be

i want to become a better person and make the world a better place

but today i'm still me

sadness and lack of motivation and anger and hatred all combined

today i'm still me

slumping at my desk, watching youtube, playing games

today i'm still me

with so much to do and so little time and even less productivity

today i'm still me

nothing more than checkmarks on an aesthetically pleasing page.

i wish i could change.