An Apology

I wanted to be a singer.

I wanted to be so many things

Things you used to tell me I could

Things you told me I would be

But I can’t

I never could

And all I can do right now is

Bleed the truths I’ve kept deep down

The ones in which I tried to drown

I’m sorry

For the battles I have claimed

For the souls that I have maimed

I’m sorry

To everyone I’ve hurt

And to every spec of dirt I have walked on

I’m sorry

To curse the earth with my presence

With my all-consuming search for purpose

Purpose that was never rightfully mine

Purpose I feel like I have stolen

Just like the labels I have claimed

Just like the beast I have tamed

The beast that lives in my head, but

It’s only a matter of time

Before the beast is no longer mine

Until all I think I have worked for

Is gone with the sand in the glass

Gone like the weeds I pull from the grass

As I feel the stains wet my jeans

The sinking of my dreams

And I feel

I feel so many things

Feel the beat and feel the songs

The ones I cry to at night

When I know I’m all alone

Because I am one with the leaves that fall from the branches

The ones that don’t get second chances

And I feel—

I feel like I will never belong

Just like everything I say is mine

Everything I have taken

Is everything I own

It’s hell inside my brain

So I must’ve missed the train

To peace

And I don’t belong here

With the one’s who’ve had it worse

The ones for which it hurts

To breathe another day

But I just feel

Like all I’ll ever be

Is a thief

But these stolen treasures

These words in these measures

They are mine to keep.