An Apology for Apologizing

To my angriest lover,

The reason why I apologize

So profusely over the tiniest of things

Is because I always feel as though

I am a bother and annoyance so

I want the person to be aware that

I am truly sorry for the mishap

I may have brought about

Or the wrong words that may have come out of my mouth

Because with you I had to apologize again and again

A million sorries I must have said

Just to get the point across

Just to assuage the anger I unintentionally caused

I apologize repeatedly

Because I fear not being taken seriously

When I say sorry I mean it with all of my heart

I apologize even when people say I am not at fault

Because with you I was always the one guilty

I was always in the wrong

And when your rage came up and rolled along

It rolled right over me

And so I said sorry

I said sorry to the steamroller for being in its way

And for the broken bones and bruises on my heart that I carried for days

I apologize for apologizing

Because I know I must sound so repetitive and annoying

But I feel as though I can't apologize enough

To make up for and cover up

Whatever sin I may have committed against the one I am apologizing to

Because when they say it’s okay I always fear it’s not true

Because in the past those hiccups and bumps

That weren't even my fault were held against me for months

No matter the amount of times I said sorry and meant it

And the number of times I tried to fix

The mangled mess that wasn't mine but that I was still apologizing for

It was like going to war

But I waged it and gave my best effort

To stitch and sew up your jagged cuts

From long angry nights and an alcohol filled gut

But failed and then apologized when the seams ripped and tore

Because no matter what I did was going to restore

What used to be

Or repair the damage that happened before me

And so I am sorry for that

That I couldn't make it better because I lacked

Whatever it was you were looking for

But that constant state of feeling guilty is what sent me out the door

And I am free of that weight now

But I still feel the need to say sorry for every little mistake now

Thanks to you I sound like a record stuck on repeat

So I’m sorry that I say sorry too much

But I never know when enough sorries are enough

Sincerely, No Longer Yours