Apostle

I was born and raised a Catholic

And I have been taught

From an early age that in the most trying of times when I feel that my face is farther from the sun than it has ever been, there is always one

Person that I can rely upon, and that is the son,

Jesus.

Belief in an omnipotent in whom faith can fix

Just about anything is a fine proposition

To an 8-year-old girl curled up on a hospital chair

Staring stoically at her paper doll brother,

IV needles snaking from both arms and a face

Sunken and wasted like a 5-year-old drug addict.

My parents’ promise that if I could only pray passionately enough to the Lord then He would heal

My brother so we could get back to playing Harry Potter in the backyard

Seemed like a sparkling miracle in my third grade mind.

And when the miracle came to pass and my daddy whispered softly in my ear that it was to be attributed to God well,

That began a 9-year commitment,

To weekly church attendance, religious education and an unquestioning belief in the sacred teachings of my faith.

But when I turned 17 I abruptly decided that I no longer appreciated being told what to think and I began to see

That the commands of the Catholic Church to its hands and feet don’t always line up with that the bible seems to say and not everything

That the church tells me is miraculous. I have also been taught

That if two human beings are utterly in love with each other

And they happen to be of the same gender then they are not permitted to marry

In the Catholic Church and are shunned from a religion

That teaches acceptance and love toward all people. I have been taught

That if a man and a woman decide that their marriage was rushed into then they can simply have it annulled

And it never existed

In the eyes of the church or the state- a blank slate.

Sounds fantastic, but then

What happens to my mom’s best friend’s three beautiful children who are now considered to be illegitimate

Because their parents were never married in the first place? I have been taught

That to get into heaven you have to believe in God but I know atheists

That give their time, talent and treasures to causes that melt their hearts and I know Christians

That walk out the doors of their church every Sunday morning and sneer

At the homeless man with unwashed hair sprawled across the sidewalk three blocks down

An empty Dunkin Doughnuts cup lying forlornly in front of him.

I have been taught

To treat the people of the world as Jesus would treat them, so why

Are there Christians picketing the funerals of men who gave their lives fighting courageously for our country

But supported homosexuals? Why

Are extremists still tossing Molotov cocktails through the windows of abortion clinics like softballs and believing that the best way to halt the slaughter of children

Is through the murder of adults? Why

Does the priest read acceptance from the gospel

But then 5 minutes later launch a sermon that criticizes

The world, for its refusal to comply with a specific belief system that even I’m not sure I always completely agree with?

Why

Do I say the words of the Apostles Creed and believe them with all my heart,

The same heart that locks its doors

When the preaching turns to chastising of the congregation for the decisions that it makes in matters of personal expression?

This disconnect is deeply disturbing to me because I believe

In one God, the father almighty, creator of heaven and earth

But I do not believe

That Ben, Grace, and Sam should be ashamed of their birth status,

Or that Becky and Christine shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony

Or that a soldier who died defending my right to practice my religion

Should have his funeral wrecked

By those people that he sacrificed himself to protect. Now I

Am not allowed to voice these concerns aloud

Because the Catholic church that insists I speak the word of God to all the peoples of the world and lead them to the liberating truth

Condemns my non-conformity.

But this is the part in the story where I make it clear

That though God may be my shepherd I am not a sheep following blindly, unaware of what the Lord considers to be right and wrong.

So now, I raise my voice and join the chorus of those unsure of exactly what they believe in, but certain of the fact

That they would rather have the right to form their own opinions.