Apres-vous! Merci beaucoup

I woke up early in the morning

As I was dying to use the loo

It wasn’t a piss that I needed

My arse ached with a large number two

But my dad had been in there before me

Where he’d let his bowel movements stew

For he’d forgot to flush the damn toilet

So the stench hit the air where it grew.

Dare I enter? Was it safe? I think not

The longevity of the smell I knew

If I went in too soon I’d feel nauseas

For the smell of his crap made me spew

Then along came my mother who’d woke up

Because she needed the toilet too

When she asked could she go before me

I gave her this answer, which she’d later rue:

“Aprés-vous!”

“Merci beaucoup.”

Later I met with my sweet hearted girlfriend

She came from France and her name was Sue

We went for a walk down the boulevard

Where it seemed every damn dog was too

The four legged beasts all then hunched down

Where they had a coordinated poo

Our route back was then littered in dog dirt

What on earth was I going to do?

See, I’d just got a pair of Nike trainers

They were white and brand spanking new

So in order to keep them pristine

I couldn’t go first or I’d step in dogs’ poo

Sue didn’t know why I had paused there

That I’d concerns about right and left shoe

Then I smiled, and proposed we go back

Then said the line that all gentlemen do:

“Aprés-vous!”

“Merci beaucoup.”

Next we went to a place she’d not been to

After she’d cleaned her freshly browned shoe

It was years since she’d seen a wild animal

So I brought her to see Dublin Zoo

Luckily, we’re the one millionth customers

Which means we get to join the zoo’s crew

Where we go around feeding the animals

Which was great, an unforeseen coo

But then we came to the lion’s enclosure

Where the rangers saw something askew

There was only one lion clearly visible

Where there was supposed to be two

They needed a volunteer to go find him

Someone brave, who’s courage was true

So I stepped back and pointed my girlfriend

While I said to her, just out of view:

“Aprés-vous!”

“Merci beaucoup.”

Ten minutes later, the scene was unsightly

On her leg, the lion had its last chew

There was nothing left of the brave French girl

Except a brown stained, flat bottomed left shoe

No remains for a coffin at the funeral

So the priest didn’t know what to do

Should they proceed to have Mass and a burial?

It seemed the clergy hadn’t a clue

Hence they put the shoe into a shoe box

While the grave diggers were spading on cue

But they dug so quick and incautiously

That the depth of the grave grew and grew

So who’d put the box in the deep hole?

For the honour, the priest and I drew

But I didn’t like the depth of the darkness

Thus from my tongue, the invite flew:

“Aprés-vous!”

“Merci beaucoup.”

Head first, the priest fell to the bottom

Where he died after turning dark blue

They couldn’t drag out his fat corpse

It was stuck down the passage like glue

To save time, they then left him down there

Instead of one headstone, they put up two

I felt guilt at the loss of two known souls

God’s punishment for me was in lieu

In heaven, at the gates of St. Peter

Now stands the priest and my girlfriend Sue

Where they’ve learnt it’s unwise to accept

The invite: ‘Please, after you’

Thus when St. Peter turned up and said gently:

“There is a place I have for you two

Now, I’ll open the gates of God’s kingdom

And bid you take what you are due:

“Aprés-vous.”

“Feck off! No thank you!”