Asher

   Dear Asher,

        It was April 1st when I found out I was having you. I sat there in the front seat of my first car staring at those two pink lines. I was in disbelief; it wasn't what I was expecting. The first thing I did was call your dad. He was delivering pizzas; he had two jobs. I called him in the middle of a delivery, he pulled over to answer the phone. "Your not gonna believe me" I said, "I'm.. pregnant." It was the first time I said it out loud. I couldnt believe it myself. "You're joking" he said. After all, it was April fools. Later that night, when his shift was over, we sat on the curb of a cumerland farms and I showed him a test, one that said the word 'pregnant'. I could tell he was nervous, we both were. But the smile on his face said so much more. We were doing this. We were going to have you.

         On our first trip to the doctor we saw you. You were moving the tiniest arms and legs I'd ever seen. When we heard your heart beat for the first time, it's hard to describe the feelings we had. Tears were in our eyes. It was about a week later when things started to get hard. I woke up every morning vomiting and it lasted all day. I sucked it up and went to work, I had to, we were broke; I was doing it for you. I stood behind that counter at work and pretended to be okay. I always felt cold and I could barely stand for long. I was constantly running to the bathroom to throw up. My bosses didnt care. "It's all in your head" they told me, 'an excuse to slack at work'. They put me on the nightshift, the one no one wants.  I worked it every night by myself with customers lining up and trash piled up. Every day from 1:00pm to 11:00pm, sometimes with no break, up to the day I had you. I cried every night. My feet and my back hurt. I couldn't sleep the heart burn was so bad. And too often, I kept thinking about what a customer had yelled at me that day. I started not to recognize my body anymore. I was bigger everywhere and I was covered in deep stretch marks, even on my legs where people could see. My belly button was no longer a thing. You kicked me every night, I would watch the imprint of your feet on my belly. That was my favorite part of carrying you. You started to get heavier, my stomach was huge, I knew you were going to be a big baby. There was always something about you. I called you my angel because I knew you'd be perfect. We'd go to the doctor and they'd say how great you looked or sound. We always got good pictures and you were always moving. The last months, month eight and nine, they were the hardest. I was sad all the time and your dad and I were always fighting. I felt like no one really I knew understood what it was like to be pregnant. I wanted to give up but I made myself keep going because I loved you. I knew you'd be something great one day, I could feel it. I felt better when I would talk to you in my tummy. I'd tell you how much I loved you and how hard I'd work to make sure you had a better life than your dad and I.

       The day before you were born I got really sick, I had a fever of 105, I could barely stand. I tried to be tough and waited for your dad to come home. I fell asleep and when I woke up it was late and my fever still wasn't gone. I started to panic and I called your dad, he was late getting off work and it was nearly a half hour before he got to me. We went to the emergency room and called my doctor we were there for almost two hours when they told me I was going to have an emergency c-section. My heart dropped, your dad and I cried. Your heart beat was dropping because I had the flu and my fever was stressing you. I couldn't loose my baby I was already in love with you! They took me to a room; it was terrifying, they put me on a thin metal operating table and stabbed a large needle in my spine. They layed me down and blocked my vision with a sheet and there were bright lights all in my eyes. Soon I couldn't feel a thing, paralized below my arms, I could barely breath. I saw the blood on my doctors gloves from her cutting into me. Then they finally brought your dad in, he held my hand and he sang to me, the ragae music the doctor played. After some time went by, I felt a ton of pressure drop on me as they pulled on you. I held my breath waiting to hear you, then at 2:47 am there was one soft cry. And prayed to hear another. They wouldnt answer me when I asked if you were okay. I relaxed a bit when I saw your dad smiling at you. You were set on my chest when I saw you for the first time. It was you, my son, the baby I carried for 39 weeks and 1 day. You had lots of black hair and at the time you had blue eyes. I smiled at you, for a second, and they took you away. your skin was purple you could barely breathe. Your dad had to leave me as they stitched me up. They said you'd be fine they just needed to help you breathe until the fluid was gone from your lungs. And then they pulled down the sheet. My belly was gone. I felt empty, you werent in my tummy and you werent in my arms. I still had no feeling in my body. The nurses lifted me limp onto a bed. My body began to shake as the feeling came back. My arms and legs wouldn't stop and then I felt the pain from the surgery. The pain was excrutiating. I was all alone they wouldnt anyone in to see me. The nurses were all dressed in gear to protect them from the flu. I was quarintined I couldnt see my baby. I cried out for you. You were sick, struggling to breathe and I layed in the bed and rufused to take any pain meds because no medicine could make this pain go away. I just wanted to touch you. I cried every night; I couldnt sleep. Getting up was painful, it felt like shards of glass coating my stomach. My fever wouldnt go away, it only got worse. The nurses took away my blankets until it broke. I shook and sweat and nearly froze to death. On the fourth day in that hospital bed, my sickness was nearly gone. So, they had me put on a mask and a pair of gloves and they handed you to me. You were finally off the oxygen. You were much better. Perfect, like I imagined; sleeping in my arms. Every pain was gone that moment, when I held you. I didnt have the typical pregnancy or the best delivery story. I dont even know what its like to be in labor. But ask me any day and I always say, "For you, my son, I would do it a thousand times again."

                                       love,

                                              your mom.