Athlete Z

I am not Athlete A

I am not one of the survivors

I am just one of hundreds who knew it would come.

I remember you screaming at me

I remember you ranking us ten year olds 

I remember being afraid, injured, punished, dead inside.

I wanted to win

I wanted to be the best

I wanted you to see me just once.

I wished I could quit

I wished I would be strong

I wished that I didn’t love the thing killing me.

I almost won again

I almost got away from you

I almost went to the cliff edge and jumped.

I never cried when you pushed me

I never cried when you were so cruel

I never let you see me cry silent, heaving sobs.

I tried to write a paper years ago

I tried to tell what they were doing to us

I tried letting people know what it’s like to be a tortured kid.

I know the world is changing

I know chalky, calloused hands

I know how hard it is to walk away from dreams.

They are dreams.

They are dreams controlled by monsters

They are nothing but dreams; we are real.